Customer Service from the other side of the world

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Do you find yourself talking to a customer service representative whose accent is so thick the only thing you understand is when they mention your name? Maybe?

I have nothing against hiring someone from another country to answer a phone and a few questions but the problem is, if both parties don’t understand each other how do you solve the issue? I’m from another country so I’m not going to apply for a job where I have to speak another language I barely know, I can barely master English, much less my Spanish after a few drinks.

recently I had to call my credit card for a double charge, the unusual ring on my phone already told me my call was getting shipped to Saharanpur, India.

Good afternooon sir my name is rayi induru, how can i helppu?

On my last statement, there is a charge that appears double.

Im sorrry for that can u tell me yourfil name?

sorry, can you repeat that?

Yes, con yuutellme your namee

My name is Xavier and there is a double charge on my credit card

So you tellingmethaad acharge inyourcr edit card is doubler?

Sorry can you repeat that?

So twenty minutes later, she repeated several times what she said and I continue to say, yes my name is Xavier and there is…..

How did she get hired I ask myself? The ad in the Indian Gazette says “Looking for an English speaker for our customer service desk, this is a work at home position, you must be able to handle simple phone calls from our customers and help solve their issues. Most simple inquiry calls will last anywhere from 20 minutes to infinity but you are only required to work twelve hours a day. The pay rate is based on word count from our customers that do not get repeated. Our company has an excellent benefits package including tuition reimbursement for English pronunciation classes. Please call our office to schedule an interview. “

THIS IS HOW THE INTERVIEW GOES

Good afternoon, welcome to Tos Crew Ourcust Omer Company, what is your name?

Indira kant Singh but you kan callme Indira kanttak

Yes Indira, tell me about yourself

I was bornin Karashi and study Indinglish at the Academy of Badinglish in Delhi.

I see, why do you want to work for this company?

Iwas toldthe ours are longand the pay lousy

I see, can you repeat that?

Iwas toldthe ours… Never mind, do you have a good internet connection at home?

Mybrother sais thecon at the village issthebeest in India

I see, can you repeat that?

Mybrother sais thecon at the village… Never mind, you seem to be very, very well qualified, can you start this evening?

If I start walkingbacto thevillage ican estaart at midnig

I see… whatever.. just fill out this form and we can get you online right away

Doyouu wontme to fillform heere in office?

Sorry, can you repeat that? Forget it is not important for this job

For classification purposes can you tell me, do you speak English?

Berybery well

Is your English American, British or Australian?

Is veryenglish from the Indian academy of Badenglishh

I see, you are extremely qualify for our customer support desk, good luck Indira.

If you need anything don’t call us we call you.

Why my Wife Insists on Moving my Stuff

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When I arrive home the first thing I do is go straight to the kitchen and hang my keys on the key holder. Simple, when I get up in the morning I know where to find my keys.

I confess I’m not the most organized person but I always know where I leave my stuff.

Why do wives have to move your stuff whenever they find it? I noticed my wife doesn’t move her things but when I’m trying to find mines they are nowhere to be found.

You can’t navigate around my nightstand without having to move something to get something else, I know it’s not organized the way she wants it but I know what I have there, my wife, on the other hand, thinks that because it’s full of stuff is disorganized and in order to dust the surface she needs to move everything and put it in the first drawer she can find.

Does that make sense? if the table is full of stuff why does she need to clean the surface? shouldn’t she be cleaning my watches, receipts, wallet, keys, and everything that is on top of the surface she wants to clean?

And then there are my clothes, she thinks putting the shirts by color together is well organized. It may be organized to her but not to me, I no longer know if a shirt I wore more than once needs to go to the laundry. Since she does the laundry I’m going to throw in all the blue shirts at once and tell her that from now on the first week of the month is blue, whether I have worn them or not.

I keep thinking I’m going to move my stuff to some odd place to see if it gets moved to where I really want it to be in the first place, but trying to guess how my wife’s brain actually works has been a challenge. Last week I received a small part I need to replace in my car, I put it on top of the kitchen counter so I wouldn’t forget to change it, days later I remembered about the part which I hadn’t seen and when I looked in the counter it was no longer there, so I started opening all the cabinets looking for the part and I never found it.

How does my wife’s brain work? It’s a mystery, it has been three weeks since I looked for the car part and I couldn’t it. I didn’t want to ask my wife in order to avoid the same argument; she would say, “Why don’t I put everything in its place?”

I’m asking myself where she thinks this part is supposed to be. THE GARAGE OF COURSE! Wrong, two hours later after searching for the part in the garage and not being able to find it I gave up and called my wife.

Honey, have you seen that part I received in the mail and left on the kitchen counter a couple of weeks ago?

My wife’s response was just what I expected…. If you put it where it belongs every time you will find it.

You are right honey, did you put it in the garage?

No, she replied, I put it on top of your drafting table.

Do You Drive Like A Woman?

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I always hear women are bad drivers, I never heard a woman say, I’m a bad driver, but often I hear men say I’m a great driver.

If I’m driving somewhere with my wife I always drive and while I’m driving I noticed my wife is sitting in the passenger seat moving items from one purse to the other or chasing a fallen lipstick under the seat, But what really gets me is that when I lower the sunshade on the driver side the mirror is open, so I ask myself, did she use the mirror before she pulled out of the driveway or while on the road. If you use the mirror before you leave to check the wrinkles on your face why don’t you close the mirror flap? Why do cars have driver seat mirrors? If I need to look at my face I use the regular mirror.

There are a lot of Mario Andrettis out there, for some of you who drive like a woman, Andretti was a great race car driver in the past, you know those drivers because they have a 4 cylinder 1985 Toyota corolla with some kind of muffler noiser and you hear them coming a block away as if they are going a hundred miles per hour and when they get to you they are barely moving at the speed of a tricycle. If you look at them, don’t expect a look back, their eyes are focused on the traffic light as they expect to peel off the intersection fast enough for everyone a block away to hear the noisy muffler, of course, you will catch them up on the next light as you are probably driving as fast as they are.

I really hate when you are on a three-lane highway with a 60 mile per hour speed limit and the three cars in front of you are using all the lanes and they all are driving exactly at 60 mph, two minutes later there are 100 cars behind trying to pass, if you are one of those, you are driving like a woman, speed UP TO 65 and get out of the way.

I’m not saying women are bad drivers, is just that they finish dressing-up while on the road and that is why they are slow, like down to 55 on a 55 mph road.

There is a lot of road rage going on these days, just yesterday one of those Andrettis zoom by me at 5 miles per hour and when I cut him off he got really mad and flip-me off. I really didn’t have a choice, I fell off my bicycle in front of him while he was pushing his Toyota Corolla.  I picked up my bicycle and without looking I moved away, I was afraid he was going to pull a machete or worst, flip me off again.

Women are not bad drivers, they are just slow drivers, reason we called them bad drivers, just because they drive 30 miles per hour under the speed limit doesn’t make them bad it just makes the men desperate because they can’t pass.

My Astrology. Libra, The Balance of the World

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Rule by Venus the love sign.

What exactly is astrology and your sign? I have always been told that I’m a libra, but I thought it was just a measurement, pound means libra in Spanish, now I find out I’m the balance of the world, have I known that when I was young I would have done something about it, now the whole place is out of whack, there is left and right, marriage and divorce, Netflix and Disney and of course Lyft and Uber.

I was skeptical that the balance of the world was all on my shoulder so I decided to checkout the other signs.

Aries the ram, today Mercury shift into Aquarius, WHAT? you have the fighting spirit, sure… you must be the one creating all this chaos since you want to be the center of attention.

Taurus the bull, ” Mercury zips into Aquarius” Did Mercury shift or zip, how does that work, is Aries messing with the Taurus. It says Taurus relationships tends to be drama free, I call that bull…….

Gemini the twins, the ones that never get bored, they probably already figured out if Mercury was shifting or zipping Aquarius. They are two faced, very loyal yes, but they will let you know if you are doing something they don’t like. Since they are the lover sign they probably were in three way triangle with Mercury and Aquarius.

Cancer the crab. Ruled by the moon, really?…..I thought Nasa was. They are known to be psychic, no wonder, I know a psychic who always wants to tell me who I am, what I think, and don’t think, that is just crap.

Leo the lion. Known to be a leader, they always looking at themselves in the mirror to praise themselves, they are willing to help as long as they made the time for it, no wonder that love triangle with Aquarius didn’t involve a Leo. If this world is going to get any better they need to step into the plate. Next time you look yourself in the mirror, look at your feet you probably put your shoes backwards.

Virgo the virgin, may be until they are 18, so what happens after that? once they can’t live up to their reputation they become your best friends, they can really keep a secret and that is a good thing, I don’t want all those no-so virgins spilling out my secrets.

Libra the diplomat, Libras may want all to get get along, no wonder so much chaos, while talking to one side the other is plotting with someone else, Mercury may not be zipping or shifting towards Aquarius but rather trying to get it on with Leo.

Scorpio the scorpion is probably the one who started all this chaos, the world was probably in great shape before Scorpio gave them his opinion whether they wanted or not and wouldn’t back down from his opinion no matter what Aries, Taurus, Mercury or Aquarius thought.

Sagittarius the archer. This leader was probably in it with Scorpio except that he didn’t care what Scorpio said or did, he was going to tell it like it’s, if half the world didn’t care about his opinion, they were going to hear it anyway.

Capricorn the goat. May be the world is the way it’s because Capricorn wanted that way, they already knew what Scorpio and Sagittarius plans was and they work their magic without anyone knowing.

Aquarius the water, this is where the problem started, not sure why Mercury was involved with Aquarius, all that zipping and shifting has all the sign in turmoil and Aquarius seems to look the other way because it couldn’t zip and shift with Sagittarius.

Pisces the fish, may be if they got involved instead of live and let live we could be in better shape, everyone is asking them for advice, but all Mercury got was to go shift with Aquarius and Taurus was getting Mercury to zip Aquarius. Just dip your head underwater and come back out when someone else figures out this world.

So now that I’m carrying all this responsibilities with no help from my zodiac friends I’m starting to understand why I have to celebrate my birthday once a week, the astrology gurus have not been able to pinpoint what my sign is, so they decided to called me a Libra so I would have to carry the guilt until I can stop the charade, good luck, see you next Wednesday, you are buying the drinks.

Whoever created these signs mistake Cancer with Virgo

Where Is My Other Sock

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I get up in the morning, I take a shower, I dress up and throw my dirty socks in the hamper. Once a week my wife takes the dirty clothes to the laundry room, wash them and returns them to the closet.

This morning I’m going to put-on one of my favorite socks and can only find one. Now, I’m asking myself, how difficult is it to grab the clothes out of the hamper, keep in mind there is only two people in this house, and put them in the washing machine? I’m sure it’s a very simple job. Then, how difficult is it to move them from the washing machine to the dryer without losing any socks?

I decided I was going to find all the missing sock once and for all, I know all of you are waiting to find out where do they go. First, I’m going to start with basics, follow the sock trail, after my wife picked the clothes from the hamper I started looking behind the hamper, nothing, just a dead Roach, a machine manual and my missing phone charger I lost last week and I have to purchase a new one for forty dollars at the local mall store, or better, I just got ripped-off store. Since I didn’t find anything I moved on to the washing machine, was there a secret compartment in the machine I was not aware that I failed to read about in the manual which I didn’t really read when I install the machine?

I looked inside, outside, behind and under the washing machine hoping to find some missing socks, for a moment there was hope, I found under the machine a pair of undies so big I believe they belong to grandma, ……wait, …..grandma was only 90 pounds and she has never been in this house, I’m not going to ask who the owner is, I may end up trying to explain whose pair of undies they belong to.

I study the washing machine for a moment, it pours water and then it drains the water thru these tiny holes, is it possible the socks are getting vacuum thru those holes? After all, when you put your clothes in the machine, it fills the machine, but when you are ready to take them out, they only fill have the machine, uhmm… I may need to read the manual.

I decided to move on to the dryer, I pull the dryer out, I look all over the place and found this huge hose going from the dryer to the wall and to the outside, aha! I pulled the hose out and reached inside to see if I could find some missing socks, there was nothing there, so I walk outside to the exit point of the house and guess what, there was one wet sock sitting close by, I screamed alleluia! my wife runs outside to see what is the commotion followed by Skipper the Dog.

I know where the socks go, I said, while skipper looked at me not knowing what was going on; what are you talking about she asked, the socks!…..I found out where the socks go!….. She looked at me in disbelief, is that what you’ve been doing the last two hours instead of cleaning the yard? I pause for a moment while Skipper took off and started digging another hole in the yard, can you stop him from digging all those holes? Skipper!… stop that, I yelled, I walked towards him while he took off, right by my feet he had dig a foot-deep hole and inside I found, guess what, ……not my missing sock, another pair of undies.

Skipper trying to be inconspicuous while I check out the yard

My wife walked back to the house while I covered the hole with my feet, I have found in the last two hours two pairs of undies I was not willing to try to explain. I decided to focus on the yard and forget the missing socks, the yard was full of spots where Skipper has been digging holes, I simply shuffle my feet in all the spots as to not disturb too much the dirt and then I noticed Mrs. Flanagan, looking over the fence, hi Mrs. F, how are you today, no answer.

I hate that fat lady who is always spying and doesn’t like our beloved dog.

How Much Water Should I Drink?

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MY anatomy teacher told me our body is composed of 60% water, that is hard to believe, I should be walking like a noodle.

Seems like every time I drink something fifteen minutes later I have to go to the bathroom. I’m not big into drinking water, in fact you probably not going to see me drinking water unless we are in a desert and we come across the last oasis for hundred miles, then I may pour some of that water in my whiskey flask and call it a day.

The fact that we have to urinate after we drink liquids makes me question the theory that we are composed mainly of water, It doesn’t add up. First of all I’m a Coca-Cola drinker and everyone tells me that is not good for me and I should be drinking water, and since I don’t drink water I should be peeing all that coke, but when I go to the bathroom is doesn’t come out dark it comes out clear, so I figure my body is retaining the coke and disposing of the water.

I’m peeing almost as much as I drink, and if I drink beer I pee more than I drink, you know what they say when you drink beer, once you open the tab you can’t stop going to the bathroom, and that is so true, you drink three beers and you pee four, since I weight about 175 lbs, I made some calculations and came out that my body contains about 42 liters of water.

Total body water

So, a beer bottle contains 0.355 liters, in new years I drank about 20 beers, or 7.1 liters, it will take about 6 new years parties to drain my body or 7 days if I was a freshman in college. These are scary facts, but it does make a lot of sense now.

Beer Pong rules by Sam Vickars

As the new year came and went, some of my friends were more drunk than others, the line to the bathrooms was endless and while we played with fireworks on the streets, I noticed a lot of friends skipping the bathroom line and opting to water the neighbors bushes. Our friend Bernadette could barely stand and Jack the neighbor kept insisting to play another round of beer pong. At 2 am on the new year, Bernadette was sitting on the curb and everyone kept telling her to drink more water.

Happy new year! you could still hear people shouting on the streets, Bernadette had completed drinking about 3 litters of water while she continue to get in line to the bathroom, she was not getting any better despite all the water, her second language or lack of, became her primary speech, I already noticed her walking like a noodle and I knew sooner than later she will be horizontal on the floor.

It’s a fact, as we drain more of the water in our body, the more we walk like a noodle and sooner or later without any water we crumble and end in a horizontal position. Bernadette is a prime example. Hours later we bounced back, barely, the water content is at it’s lowest levels, about 30% , our eyes can’t barely focus, every door knob and every wall becomes walking crutches, the first language start to reappear but with limited vocabulary, usually just a few words like ” I can’t remember”, “where my shoes”, “who are you”, “can I have some water”

What happens with 40% water content

If you make it pass your freshmen year, you start to manage better your drinking habits, first, you are a better player at beer pong and therefore, your life span increases as you win more games, second, you don’t party seven days a week and gives you a chance to celebrate more new years, and third, as you grow older the water content increases, and you can hold you pee for longer periods of time until one day you can’t no longer hold it, you drain all your body, you start walking like a noodle again and sooner or later you crumble back to a horizontal position for the last time.

Santa Claus Is Not Going To Make it To My House

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How does Santa Claus gets down the chimney? I was preparing my fireplace for his arrival and I couldn’t figure out how he was going to get in, the opening of my chimney is about 2 feet by 8 feet, not a very large opening, so I went to the mall to take a look at Santa and I believe I was correct, he is not going to get in.

I asked Santa what kind of food he likes and he told me he loves all those cookies and milk and the gingerbread he gets in every house, no wonder I can’t get my arms around him, it’s not the meat he is getting from the misses but the sugar he is getting from the kids, if he’s going to fit through my chimney he is going to have get into some weight loss program and I’m not sure he has enough time to work on a fitness plan before Christmas.

I left the mall slightly depressed, there was no way Santa was ever going to go through my fireplace which means there is no point in leaving any cookies or any milk. As I walk outside the mall I noticed a skinny Santa coming out of a Fiat 500, imagine my surprise since I just left Santa inside the mall 5 minutes earlier, not only Santa travels at the speed of light on a Fiat but he can shed some pounds on the way.

Christmas Stockings For My Cold Feet

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When I was a kid we pull out our Christmas stocking after Christmas, we were told that the three wise men will fill them up when they arrive on January 6. Originally the day of Christmas was January 6, but someone on the fourth century decided to change it to December 25th for some odd reason, my guess, his birthday was on January 6 and he was not getting enough stuff in his socks.

According to Wikipedia, “A Christmas stocking is an empty sock or sock-shaped bag that is hung on Saint Nicholas Day or Christmas Eve so that Saint Nicholas (or the related figures of Santa Claus and Father Christmas) can fill it with small toys, candy, fruit, coins or other small gifts when he arrives..” Have you seen the size of a Christmas stocking? Where is St. Nicholas going to stuff any toys in there? He is lucky if he can get the Halloween candy to fill any sock.

My Christmas Stockings

These are my Christmas stockings, they showed up before Thanksgiving, I was grateful because it gave me something to be thankful knowing I didn’t have to wait until after Christmas to hang them up, which meant St Nicholas will be coming around the 25th, two weeks earlier than expected, and I will have something else to celebrate on January 6 with the arrival of the three wise men hopefully with more presents and the birthday of that Pope that changed the celebration few centuries ago.

Does anybody actually puts anything inside those socks? I’m guessing, no, after all we put a Christmas tree which by the way I’m not sure either where it came from because when I was a kid we didn’t have a Christmas tree either. It was popular in other countries around the globe but it wasn’t until Hallmark introduced St Valentines Day, Father’s Day, Grandparents Day, the Easter Bunny celebration and all those other celebrations to buy more celebration cards did the Christmas tree arrived in my country at the same time Hallmark open its doors at the shopping centers. So getting back to the socks, the other night was so cold I light up the fireplace, I was trying to warm up my feet when I noticed the Christmas socks above the fireplace. I already purchased a Christmas present for my wife and it looks like it wasn’t going to fit in any of the three socks, if my wife had already purchased my present that I asked, it wasn’t going to fit in any of the socks either, the other sock was for our dog Café, he didn’t asked for anything but he was probably the only one that could actually get something in his stocking, a bone to chew, a flip flop, toilette paper, a leftover leather piece from our couch, the toiletry bag, or anything in the house that I can’t either find the matching pair or it’s already partially destroy and we don’t know how it happened.

Christmas Stockings with money

I have not been in any of my friends houses yet to see what their stockings looks like, but I have been in my favorite watering hole and they do have their stocking hanging by the window, they don’t have a chimney for Saint Nicholas to crawl thru to leave some presents, and my guess is that if you don’t have a fireplace you have to hang the stockings by the window so he can see them and not skip your place, you also need to leave some money with the sock, obviously he didn’t count your home since there was no fireplace, therefore, he is going to need the money to buy more presents. By the look of these stockings, I’m going to bring mine from home and hang it by the window as well.

If you don’t live in Houston you need to understand that in the winter time we switch between the air conditioning and the heater weekly, every time a cold front comes thru the temperature drops and the heater comes-on and three days later the temperatures goes back up and the AC comes-on. Today it’s heater time, as I sit here by the fire place continue to ponder on the reasoning why we hang stockings by the fireplace if we are never going to stuff anything in it. As the evening got colder I finally came to the conclusion that it was for days like this we put those socks by the fire place, without hesitation I took down two and put them on my feet, they were so warm and cozy we have been trying to stuff them with toys instead of cold feet.

Christmas Stockings
Why are stocking for right footer people?

In Fashion, Putting Holes On My Jeans

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There is a trend in fashion today specially in jeans with holes, I noticed women in the department stores looking at jeans and trying to decide which ones to buy, it is a mystery to me, if you are going to buy defective clothes what difference does it make where the holes are?

I was looking around to see what jeans they were buying to see if there was any pattern between what each one picked, however, I couldn’t find one, sometimes the jeans are ripped in the bottom, sometimes on the top, sometimes they are ripped on both sides, or there jeans with tears and holes.

I was pretending to be the president of one of these companies and I could see myself saying something like: Paul, what was our profit margin this month? after getting an answer I would say, …Why don’t we add couple extra holes on the back and save ourselves couple million dollars on material? And get with the marketing department to create a campaign called “Our Jeans have more holes” and price them with a 20% mark-up, that will increase our revenues as well by another 10%.

How many jeans with holes have you thrown out in the last few years? A fortune I’m sure, you didn’t realized they were going to be popular, just like the vinyl records, you threw them in the garbage and now they cost three times as much, you continue to tell your friends that you had the whole Beatles collection and threw it away, just like I had the whole Kris Kristofferson collection.

What is the appropriate age to wear jeans with holes? I was sitting in an airport chair looking at all the women going by and there were none pass the age of 40 with holes on their jeans. One thing i noticed is the size of the holes, the women arriving at the airport had jeans ripped with small slits above and below the the knees while those arriving by air had full size holes by their knees. This observation seems so odd, not only because I noticed some of the women but some men as well.

My sister, my wife and my mother, RIP, Sorry I embarrassed you on the Latin Grammy’s

i have to say that the whole experience left me really puzzel. I could not continue my observations as the loud speaker announced the departure of my flight, people started lining up by numbers, on line 1 all the people flying on first class were ready to board, you may think that this are all the people with money, in fact they are the people who earn the least but travel the most, like the salesman and consultants. On line 2 you have the travelers with the airline credit cards, they walk slow but never look back at those with boarding groups beyond line 2, they feel important because they know they will be the first to fill the economy section of the plane and have plenty of room overhead to put their carry-on and their backpack. Lines 3 and 4 is a mixture of those who booked late or are on their yearly vacation, if they are heading south they are wearing flip flops and Caribbean shirts and if heading north they all wearing jeans with holes.

People on Line 5 are a special group, they book so far in advance they did ‘t really get any deals, they normally never travel by plane, it’s probably their first trip, their carry-on bag is bulging out of the seams, and their backpack is so big it doesn’t fit under a seat. They are constantly looking around to see what everyone else is doing, some of them you recognize immediately as they were the ones holding back the security line in front of you, the kids had backpacks full of candy and soda drinks, the dad with the bulging carry-on had to open his suitcase to pull out the computer buried underneath all his underwear, and the wife was wearing fashionable boots laced all the way to the knees, and when they finally passed thru the scanner they were returned to empty their pockets of the nail clips and the Pocket knives.

Finally I boarded the plane, this time I was sitting on row 17 economy class, window seat, my backpack used to fit underneath the seat in front of me, this time was not the case, why was my backpack so big? did I overfill it? Should I have been in group five? I finally managed to put my backpack underneath the seat, there was no room for my feet but even if the backpack wasn’t there it didn’t seem to be any room for my feet, my legs were pressed against the seat in front of me and the kid from group 5 behind me kept pushing my chair forward.

A 5-hour flight is an eternity, anything more than that is torture unless you’re a Salesman or a consultant, when I finally managed to relax and I was almost asleep my fellow passenger decided to recline his seat, I was licking the top of my knees, I tried to push as much as I could against the seat to no avail. By the time we arrived my legs have turned into a noodle knot, my back was pulsating from the instant massage I received from the five year old and my knees were sore and wet from all the liking I have done.

Finally we arrived and I deplaned, once we entered the departing lounge I noticed a lot of women with fashionable jeans with tears and holes, as I walk passed the passengers in the opposite direction I received constant smiles and heads of approval and then I realized that the crunch against the seat in front of me had made a hole on my jeans, you know were, right by my knees, now I’m as fashionable as you are.

The Latin Grammys Invitation

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Tuxedo, short dress, sneakers, high heels, clown suit, red suit, parachute pants, hoodies, flannel, ties, no ties, press shirts, wrinkle polo shirts, dresses with a slit so high I can see the belly button, dresses with so low cuts I can see the belly button, just bras no shirt and shirt no bra. No reading glasses but plenty of sunglasses.

Las Vegas has it all for the Grammys, but then again it’s Las Vegas, I started desperate to find what to wear for this occasion, should I wear my tuxedo? No, I’m not getting a Grammy so I’ll look out of place. Should I put a tie? No, it’s for musical awards, who is going to wear a tie. May be just my jeans and a t-shirt, no, they probably won’t let me in. I know this moments of desperation when you get an invitation to the Grammys and you need to find out what to wear, you probably all being there; your heart starts beating faster, you can’t hardly speak and you don’t know what to tell your wife since the invitation doesn’t say you and a guest.

That is the time to throw the; Remember when you went to see your aunt Ruthy and the seven kids and I didn’t go? The response you are going to get is probably not what you expect, you may try to guess what your wife is going to say, but from experience I can tell you that when I knew all the answers, they changed the questions. You must remain calm and think clearly what you are going to answer regardless what your wife says, if you can block your ears, concentrate and what your answer is going to be and ignore everything you are hearing is going to be to your advantage.

I waited patiently for my wife to return from grocery shopping, I rehearsed my lines well, no matter what she was going to tell me my answer was going to be clear and to the point; “Honey, I already call the promoter that send me the invitation and asked him if I could take you to the Grammys and he told me that the numbers were very limited and since I was a friend of the Grammy Foundation they could offer me one ticket but, if you prefer I can stay home and I can introduced you to John and foundation group and you can go with them”

As soon as my wife arrived I couldn’t wait to tell her the news, the first words out of my mouth were, honey, I don’t know what to wear! I got an invitation to the Grammys! She immediately replied, I’m so excited, I’m going to wear the black dress I got on sale last year during black friday and you ask me why I was buying a dress just because it was on sale and I told you it was a real bargain and it was 50% off and there was only one left, remember? Yes, I think I remember, but the thing is……she interrupted, “and I can wear the black shoes with the gold laces I told you I bought in Macy’s during the president’s day shopping marathon, remember? I totally lost my concentration, the point was about what I was going to wear, I inhale deeply, I pause, inhale again, my wife continue to murmur something about her jewelry and finally I said, honey I only have one ticket, I exhaled. Without any hesitation from my wife all I could hear her saying was, don’t worry I’ll take a lot of pictures.

I exhale more than I could inhale, all the speech preparations for this moment became completely out of content, it didn’t matter I received a ticket to the Grammys, somehow I knew that it was her going to the Grammys. The moment of panic turned into a cold sweat, forget it all, I turned around, stretch my feet, I was in total silence and then I make another sudden turned and I hit myself really hard, my wife jump, my back hurt and suddenly the lights came on and I was flat on the floor, wake up my wife said, I open my eyes and inhale deeply, in and instant I smiled and realized I was not going and my wife was not going to the Grammys either.

Las Vegas

All You Need is Your Pajamas to See a Concert

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When was the last time you went to a good concert? Remember how much you paid? The cheap seats were $150 and you were sitting so far and high, like the elevator lady said, “you are closer to Jesus” that you needed binoculars to see the performer.

Most of the time I can’t afford the good seats, when I was single I was broke and now that I’m married everything cost twice as much.

Adriana is all about going to concerts, normally her sidekick is one of her friends who owns couple sets of binoculars so they don’t have to share while they are sitting next to Jesus, however, I was inform this week that she was taking me to see Maná, one of my favorite singers. My excitement, or lack of it, was obvious.

I knew what to expect, my worry was I don’t own any binoculars. So I prepare myself for this adventure, the start time according to the tickets was 8 pm, I figured we needed to leave the house by 6:45 in order to get there by 7:30, park the car and walk to the concert hall.

At this point my wife had spend $150 for both tickets, a real bargain, we left the house at 7:15, don’t ask why, and I was all stressed driving to make it on time, we arrived with time to spare but the first parking lot was $30 so I drove another block and found one for $20, I figured if I keep driving it would get cheaper, I was right, 5 blocks away I found one for $10. If I drove any farther like back home it would have been free. We parked and started walking to the venue, it was cold and damp, my jacket, a wind breaker, the only thing it could do was keep the wind of my body but it was not even blowing, so by the time we arrive at the concert I was cold, my feet hurt and it was past 8 o’clock.

The lady at the gate said take a left and use the elevator to the 4th floor, I figured if the elevator was available everyone is probably already sitting watching the concert. We entered the elevator and a nice lady driving the elevator, it was probably an union job, asked me for the floor I was going to, I said, the top-one but I didn’t bring binoculars to see the concert, and she replied, “but you are closer to Jesus” I didn’t have anything to say, I thought, should I tip her or ask for a blessing. The door open and thousand people around us hog the beer and chili counters to buy some food, it was already twenty minutes passed eight, hurriedly we went to our seats and the lights were on and the concert area seems empty.

Let’s get something to drink and eat my wife said, I already imagine the 20 minutes lines at the food counters, I was certain I was going to miss half of the concert, however, I was willing to endure the wait rather than to hear the complaints later. Fifty dollars later we returned to our seats, it was already 8:45.

A concert schedule for 8 pm that doesn’t start until 9 pm only means one thing, you didn’t spend enough money. By nine o’clock I was already $100 in the hole, Adriana had spend $150, the concert had no started, I didn’t have any binoculars and I was sitting next to Jesus, Jose and Maria and wishing I was hundred dollars richer sitting at home watching the concert on my TV, just like I was at the concert, except I could be watching on my pajamas.

Banderas, Texas

The Point System Between a Man and a Women

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When I first got married, you know, when you are so madly in love you can’t see in front of your eyes, I send my wife one hundred roses, we had just started dating, she was in Colombia, I was here and it was her birthday.

This is where the point system starts. I was very proud of myself, as you may know, most roses your purchase originate from Colombia, therefore, a bouquet purchase from a flower shop in Colombia is very inexpensive, $25 for one hundred roses delivered.

Anyway, getting back to the point system, I received one point for the gesture, now, must guys would have expected to get about fifty points, but the reality is you only get one point.

I know what you are thinking, but believe me, it’s fair, you see, as everyday goes by you are accumulating bad points that you are not even aware you have. Sooner or later you say the wrong thing and your wife throws out the “Remember couple years ago when….. ” you don’t remember but she does, so now you are in the dog house and you just scored 20 bad points, 1 point for what you just said and 19 for all the other things you did bad the last two years you didn’t know. If you had the same retentive memory a woman has you could be scoring points as well, but, you don’t even remember your anniversary, so here is my advice, there are certain dates that can help you score more single points than anything else, so take note, first you have to find out these dates from your wife, that is a big challenge, and once you find them you can’t use them for three years, or she will throw it back at you. So here is my list.

  • Your wedding anniversary
  • The name of your song
  • Where were you on your first kiss
  • What did she tell you after that kiss
  • The color of the dress she wore on your first date
  • And finally what happened on May 11th of last year

I know finding out what happened in May 11th may be more difficult than anything else, you can always pick any date she throws at you and use it in the future, you can quote May 11th, she will tell you that is not correct, but you can claim you confused the date, however, at that time you need to change the conversation into something else, do not let her ask you what date you were thinking off because you will be throwing yourself under the bus trying to quote any date which you don’t really know, but she can quote for the last two years.

If you can get these information and know how to properly use it, I guarantee you will score more points in a year than you have since the beginning of your marriage, keep in mind that not following these directions and trying to use any of this information before the three year term can land you in hot water, not only you will get a lot of bad points but expect to sleep in the couch at least for one night. and the pets, they will be sleeping in your spot.

PS: I don’t know anyone who has successfully accomplish this task, personally, when I finally got all the answers, she change the questions.

This could be your bed

Too Late to Wear Orange

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I wash my shirt last night looking forward to continue the celebration today.

This morning I’m tying to decide what to wear, is not going to be orange, Houston had great season but at the end we were in the wrong stadium.

Why we played well when we were in Washington and didn’t do well at home? I think they were partially blinded by the color of orange all over the stadium. It’s like the red light at each intersection, you have to stop, I know is not red but orange has a combination of yellow and red, it’s that moment that says partially swing and don’t.

Now, that I washed my shirt last night and I’m embarrassed to wear it today, I’m going to settle for any other shirt and promised myself not say anything to anybody about the game, I’m sure everyone today will pretend nothing happened. The only orange I’m goig to show is my Home Depot gift card.

Do You Wear Your Team Shirt The Whole Series?

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If you spend $130 on a team shirt for the world series and it drags to 7 games, do you wear it everyday?

i know you thought the series was going to be over yesterday , you were ready to put that shirt in the laundry bag and celebrate the rest of the week. Sorry, it didn’t happen, so what are you going to do tonight?

I’m willing to bet there are plenty of smelly shirts tonight, if you are planning to join the crowds to watch the game, I suggest you pick a place with plenty of ventilation, if the smell of sweaty shirts don’t knock you down, certainty the visual appearance will put you off; shirts no longer properly press with stains of ketchup, mustard and tartar sauce. If you are a guy hoping to score a beautiful girl, forget it, the only thing you are going to pick up tonight is an Uber ride.

I’m not wearing my shirt tonight, it has been too long of a series, I’m ready to celebrate with whoever wins the series and start looking for my team shirt for the superball. If I guess the right teams now, I could get the shirts for half price and since it’s only one game I don’t have to worry if I spill ketchup or mustard.

Dressing Up for your Team

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Today may be the final resting place for the Washington, Nationals. Baseball is what I’m talking about, for some of you that only follow soccer.

If the Houston Astros win the game today they will be the 2019 World Champions

What I don’t understand is how they can be the World Champions if no other country participates in this championship, unless they call it the world championship because few players are actually from this country.

I was looking at the roster for both teams and I found names like, Correa, Altube, Álvarez, Osuna, Toro, Días, Valdez, Martes, Rendon, Parra, Gomes, Barrera and Sanchez. If my memory is correct it takes 9 players to make a team, so we have plenty of outsiders here to make another team , probably a winning team year after year because these coaches seem to rely heavily on these names to make it to the World Series.

I wonder how much I can offer these guys to come and play in my team, if I pay them in Colombian pesos they will be instant millionaires and it won’t break my bank, They will feel right at home, they don’t have to learn another language, or survive on hot dogs and hamburgers, their diet could be full of rice and beans, yucas and plantains; curfew won’t happen before the bars close and instead of Gatorade at the games they can have cerveza fria.

I’m going to throw my offer here so they can start planning to move to team GUACAMOLE for the 2020 championship. As an added bonus they will not be expected to show on time for the games, the fans pay enough money as it’s to see the games and we should make it worthwhile so they are not having to be at the stadium only four hours but they can actually enjoy more than one meal at the stadium.

With all that said, some of you are probably having seizures because you don’t know what to wear for the game tonight, not that you are going to the ballpark, you are probably staying home like many of us but will go out and spend hundreds of dollars on team jerseys you will only wear tonight because you don’t really follow baseball the rest of the year. So do as I do, put a safety orange t-shirt you can purchase at Walmart for seven dollars and call it done. If your wife insist on purchasing a $130 shirt to watch the game, ask her to bring few bottles of wine, few cases of beer, some chips and salsa and order pizza to be delivered around the fifth inning, and when she asked what is all that for, you tell her that you are inviting some friends to come and watch the game with us, then she will say, that is too expensive when there is a chance the Houston Astros won’t win tonight; at that point, you say, yes dear you are correct, why don’t you just buy another t-shirt at Walmart and we can save that money as well.

Xavier with orange t-shirt
In team colors and ready

Nothing to Write About

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There come some days when I have nothing to say

I’m not going to talk about politics, otherwise I’m going to have to climb that wall to get out of the country.

I’m not going to talk about religion, all I know is that there is Mohammad, a Jesus and a Buddha, so whoever you claim to be yours, send my regards and I promise to do whatever I supposed to do to make it to their afterlife.

I’m not going to talk about your kids, you can raise them anyway you want, I don’t care if they have no manners, they shouldn’t if you don’t, I don’t care if they turn alcoholics, is not your fault you only drink on two occasions, when it rains and when it doesn’t.

I’m not going to talk about you, I have enough listening to everyone else talk about you because they have nothing else constructive to embellish this conversation.

I’m not going to talk about me; my ears ring loud every time I leave a room full of acquaintances. Anything I could say will be just hot air because I can’t talk about politics, religion or your kids.

Since I have nothing to say, I say good night.

Sissi feeding Melissa
I leave you with my nieces, they have a lot to say

All Dressed Down and Somewhere to Go

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Because I find myself in just a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and thinking I’m going to be late.

Late to work, late to the airport, late for a date, late to the doctor doesn’t count, the doctor is never on time.

For a Colombian I broke the mold, I have to be on time all the time, but Colombians have no sense of time, if you show up to a party five minutes before the advertised time you will be escorted to the living room, offered a glass of water and asked to sit and wait until the host takes a shower, puts make up and eat a snack. Most likely the husband will show up fifteen minutes later and ask if a salesman is sitting in the living room waiting to be greeted.

If you show up 30 minutes late, you will be the first guess and will be expected to help with the music and your wife to give tips to the host on her dress arrangement.

Now, if you are the guess that shows up 45 minutes to an hour late, you are on time, you will be greeted with a warm welcome and a glass of wine.

I have lived in the United States more years that I can count, in fact, must of my life, but the cultural differences still there, perhaps because I had to hear my mother all my life reminding me to dress properly for each occasion. I always wondered why we can recognized Americans everywhere we go, they tell you to blend with the locals when you travel so you don’t become a crime statistic. It should be very easy in the western hemisphere, but you can still pin point the Americans; sneakers, shorts, t-shirts, a baseball cap, chewing gum and always asking questions in English. Now, there are some who do make an effort to blend but fail some common No, Nos…. like talking while chewing food, or worst, blowing your nose while eating at a table.

They don’t dress down or dress up, may be I envy that, it’s the culture of laissez-faire, whatever I have-on I’m wearing. Well OK, I’m heading out the door with this filthy shorts and the same shirt I wore yesterday, I’m just going to take my socks off and put a pair of flip flops, my feet will smell better than the three-day socks.

My Friend Gerald in Chicago

Here is a picture of my friend Gerald, The tourist is the guy in the background who failed to blend with the crowd.

Should I Be Packing For A Funeral?

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I walked into the funeral home and I was wandering what everyone was wearing, some people came with black ties, some came with color ties and some didn’t come.

This question came because my brother asked whether he should wear a black tie or not. Many years ago nobody would show up to a funeral without a suit and a black tie and all the women wearing black dresses. The millenniums have change the rules, at least they are changing the rules since most of them don’t go to funerals yet, but when they do, they continue to show up in blue jeans. If you are not sure what to wear, pack an extra pair of black shoes, a black jacket and a dark tie, if you are a woman , pack a dress and if need too, change in the car, like you do when you are driving.

If you are related in anyway to the deceased, don’t forget a hanker-shift or at least some cleanex, you may think your are a strong person but tears will flow once you see one of your family wearing their last outfit .

In a summary, if you have to go to a funeral and you don’t have the proper clothes, don’t worry, get permission at work to go to the funeral, put on your jeans, invite your friends to join you for a late lunch and don’t show up at the service, they probably won’t miss you, unless it’s your own.

Xavier at a funeral

Your Bicycle Does All The Work

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My wife Adriana is big into bicycling, she rides every weekend and do a lot of long distance races for charity, like the MS150 or the Bike Around the Bay. These charity races are very long, usually a two day race covering 70 to 90 miles per day.

When she started she had a three hundred dollar bike she purchased from a rider friend who convinced her that it was a lot of fun. Keep in mind that Adriana did like to bicycle before, mainly on mountain roads and she was happy to get into the sport again.

Spending three hundred dollars for a bicycle seems steep to me, I have seen them in Academy for hundred dollars; her friend tells me that she spend eight hundred dollars for that bike when it was new couple years earlier and she was ready to upgrade to a two thousand dollar model; so she was more than happy to sell it for a good price to someone who would enjoy it. I was just wandering why she would spend that kind of money when Academy have them brand new for hundred dollars plus tax. Isn’t a new 2019 model what we call and upgrade?

She started riding Saturdays and sometimes Sundays, by the time she was done each day she was very tire when she came home. That is great work out I always tell her while sitting on the couch watching re-runs of Cheers.

As time went by she started complaining about her shoes, they were not the right shoes for bicycling, they needed to have cleats, I don’t know much about women’s shoes but when I had shoes with cleats I was playing football, I was wondering if she wasn’t bicycling in the weekends but rather playing ball with the boys at soccer field. Not having the right shoes turned into not having the right bicycle, that did make me happy, I figured I could sell her eight hundred dollar bicycle for four hundred, recoup the initial three hundred dollars and use the extra one hundred dollars to buy a brand spanking new bicycle at Academy.

Did I say Academy? I was thinking Walmart, but she was thinking the Bike Barn Bicycle shop. One evening she dragged me to the shop to look at bicycles, I was more than willing to go, I was ready to sell that bike and breakout even. I figured we would do couple stops, the Bike Barn and then Academy and finally I would convinced her that whatever they had at Academy we could get cheaper at Walmart. I could have never been so wrong in so many levels.

The Bike Barn has rows of bicycles of any kind, I didn’t know you couldn’t ride your road bicycle on the dirt; Did something happened during my college years that I missed? When I was younger we got a bicycle for Christmas and we rode that bike on any kind of terrain, in fact I don’t think mine even had gears but I was the fastest rider in my neighborhood. Going back to the shop, I looked all the bikes and I couldn’t find any bicycle under five hundred dollars unless you were looking for your three year old daughter and then you could purchase the Sun’s Lil Kitt’n bicycle for just a few more dollars over one hundred.

I was looking on my GPS for the closest Walmart and was about to dashed out of the store when my wife stopped me to tell me she was waiting for Steve the salesman. Apparently she had already spoken to Steve and had a bicycle in mind. A tall handsome guy came out of the repair area and greeted my wife with such a big smile I could swear I have seen him before in the soccer field. Your bike is ready he said, I was speechless, I looked at my wife, my wife looked at Steve, Steve looked at me and three thousand dollars later we walked out of the store.

While we were in the car I finally could mutter a word out of my mouth and I said, that is not the bicycle I had in mind, and Adriana with a straight face answered, I know, but they will change the pedals tomorrow so I can get the shoes with the cleats.

Multiple Sclerosis ride – Houston to Austin

Packing For The Last Time In Your Life

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This may not be what most people want to read, but, if you are reading it, perhaps it’s for curiosity and not because someone is reading you the last rites.

Sooner or later we all have to go, some will go to heaven, some will go to Hell and some will go and ask for directions. No matter when you have to go it’s important to know what you are going wear for the last time. I have never seen that written in a will but may be you should. I wouldn’t want to end up asking directions wearing corduroy pants and a t-shirt with the slogan, “I’m your sugar daddy, what are you doing tonight” unless you are a sugar daddy and your babes are coming to get the last check.

I noticed on a recent funeral viewing that the person in the casket was wearing a beautiful laced dress with precious jewels, a very well manicured hand with fingers layered in gold and diamond rings and a set of pearl earrings that could make any woman want to steal it in order to walk the red carpet. In a very solemn voice I said to my friend, your mother looks beautiful, I love her dress, and she replied, it was her favorite, she was always borrowing it from my sister, it’s a Valentino. I looked at her sister for a moment as I said, she is getting cremated, right?

Unless is in your will, your family will be picking up your last outfit of your life. Pray before you die you don’t end up with those corduroies

If you happen to be the chosen one to do the picking, make sure when you pick the outfit and the Jewelry you keep in mind that they are going to end up ten feet underground or a dust of golden ashes. Make sure your relatives are not counting on keeping those clothes or any accessories for themselves. Ask before you accessorize. Remember, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”

As for me, I’m not putting it in a will, you can keep all my clothes, “for you are dust and to dust you shall return”

La Petite Marche

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It’s 10 am and I gather with my friends to have le petit déjeuner. Talk about trying to eat breakfast with Twenty two friends from high school, all I hear is words like bonjour, hello, S’il vous plaît madame, and on and on. These are special friends, we graduated from high school in Belgium and we have reunions very often, this time is Montreal, but it has been, Chicago, Miami, Ft Lauderdale, Houston, Cincinnati, Las Vegas, Pioneer in California, Brussels twice, Seattle twice, two cruises, Baltimore, New Orleans and New York city twice, talk about people with no careers and no hope to retire.

Is sunny today, I’m not wearing my long Johns, I left my heavy jacket at the hotel but I’m layered well; heavy vest on top of a pullover on top of a turtleneck on top of a t-shirt. Time to go.

As we leave the restaurant and we stand outside, all I hear is

¡Call an Uber!

All phones come out of the holster, twenty some people needs to get to Mount Royal, it’s the race to grab the first car or station wagon that shows up, whoever is left behind will have to pay for his own Uber, some of us will share….. the ride, not the bill.

“I jump into a car, six of us ride confortable, some conversation starts going in the back, I’m not listening but my ear stands still when I hear Susan say” My boobs can meet my knees” I didn’t ask any questions, I’ll wait to get out… and verify.

Mont Royal is a high hill overlooking the city, tourist flock to this spot to catch a glimpse at the city landscape while they chant words like oh la la. I simply take some pictures and go on my way. My classmates continue to chant oh la la.

Time is running out, before dinner we Must see old Montréal and a display of lights at the Botanical Garden. Old Montreal didn’t seem as old as I thought and the lights didn’t glow, Claude forgot to buy tickets to the sold out show.

We rushed to the Metro station to catch a ride to some Heineken place in St Denis street, I swallow my beer in one gulp, Adriana took two sips and we left in a hurry, we only had one hour to make it back for dinner. Walk… Metro… Walk

Brush my hair… Adriana change clothes…. Put a jacket, walk… Metro…. Walk

Damm, my phone is going dead, is a good thing I have the restaurant ping on my phone.

Honey we are here, no we are not she says, this is the breakfast place, Damm again, so where is the restaurant I said, I only have 2% left on my phone, let me call Claude.

Claude, where is the restaurant…. Hellooo… Where is the restaurant…. it’s at 330 Marie Ann Street…. Hello…. hello… Phone shuts down… Honey did you get that? Yes, 33 Marie Jane Street

Escuse moi mecier, do you know where Mari Jane St is, oh oui 10 streets that way, merci… We start walking. 13 streets later, we back track 3 streets and by a miracle of who knows what we found the restaurant. We entered with a big applause, I was so happy to see my friends, right away I join the Canadian and Latin American wine society, Adriana just wanted to catch up on the wine drinking competition.

40 Degrees Is Not Warm Weather

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I’m glad I brought my long Johns, going from 90 degrees to 40 is an abuse to our fragile body. It should be against the law to travel above the tropic of cancer after September 1st.

I was looking at my suitcase to see if I had the right clothes for this climate; in conclusion after walking several blocks in the cold, my gloves were not warm enough, I wish I had ear muffs and the Metro station was never close enough.

I know if I had been wearing those items I would had felt very warm, but the embarrassment kept me from buying them at the local Walmart, walking down the street there were many people walking in just shirts, some women had no socks and others were wearing skirts.

There is always an easy solution, hail an Uber. I did. I was standing on the road waiting for Mr. Andretti to arrive when the phone Rang, it was speedy Gonzales telling me in French that he was waiting at the corner of such and such street, I didn’t know what street I was on, and as he kept talking I kept answering on my best French that I didn’t know what street I was on but he needed to hurry, my long Johns were starting to feel very short. He did, we hoped on and paid a hefty fee to go around the block.

Montreal fall colors starting to show

On My Way To Montreal

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I’m sitting here in Houston with daily temperatures in the 90s, Montreal daily temperatures are in the 50s. Talk about adding sleeves to my shirts.

We are leaving to Montreal in a few days and we need to pack, since we are going to be there for four days I though I read my own website “Going On A Four Day Weekend” OK, did I miss the whole shaban? My post talks about trips to warm places and nothing about cold weather, I’m a victim of my own doing, now, time to pack and post, but the reality of what to pack will be better known when I get back and tell you what we forgot. In the mean time, I need to start thinking cold; no flip flops or short sleeves, replace sailing gloves for mittens and pants with long johns.

Thanks to my friend Tony, I’m writing this blog, he lives in Cleveland so he must be laughing at me since packing for him is just to throw his everyday clothes in the suitcase and go.

Saturday September 28, I finally lay down my suitcase, it’s not the biggest suitcase I own, I figure a medium size will do. Let’s see what Adriana is going to take. As I mentioned in the past the first things I throw into my suitcase are the tickets, the passports, money, important papers, phone cables, and camera.

OK, I lied, medium suitcase is not going to do it, those big winter coats, sweaters and so on are going to take more room than my normal shorts and t-shirts. I’ll keep you post it tomorrow where I’m.

September 29 – Not a lot of progress today, I started looking for my warm clothes, so far I put in the suitcase a heavy jacket, long johns, a good sweater six pair of socks and nothing else. I wonder if I can get a USB heating blanket I can plug into my phone charger and carry with me.

September 30 – Not sure when it became another day, now I’m behind on my packing, so I’m looking thru my closet to find items that normally I wouldn’t pack, so I found a scarf, a winter hat and some worm gloves. I’m getting somewhere now, now all I need is my regular clothes; shirts, pants, underwear and shoes.

October 1 – In my mind this is the last day to pack, if it’s not in the suitcase is not going. I did notice my dog sitting inside the suitcase, he thinks he is going. At this point, rain or shine, warm or cold, snow or not, we will be in Montreal in couple days, my wife hasn’t pack yet, she keeps saying she has nothing to wear, I keep saying, you are right.

My mother always says, live for today you never know when your time comes, this trip is especial in her honor, I need to live by her words, she is sick right now and if she could speak she wouldn’t allow me to cancel this trip to stay with her.

Mother and I
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Emergency to the Hospital

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Sooner or later we have to visit someone at the hospital, it’s more pleasant when the person horizontal in bed it’s an acquaintance and not a relative.

Now, if it’s your relative and you are the caretaker or the closest relative you may have the duty to pack some clothes for this person.

As I contemplate the idea of bringing some clothes for this relative I kept asking myself, why do they need clothes if they spend all the time in a hospital gown?

Should I bring PJs and a change of clothes? I’ll bring both. I would guess it depends if they are in the ICU or the “Check my cholesterol I’m feeling fat wing”

If the person is in the ICU why would you be thinking about bringing clothes? But if you are in the other wing then they even have some suggestions, here is an excerpt from  Memorial Herman Health system, “Personal items, such as toiletries, reading materials and glasses, audio tapes, photos; personal pillow and blanket, if desired” I’m guessing extra clothes is not part of the recommendation, so maybe I’m answering my own question; why do they need clothes when they are in hospital gowns?

I guess I’ll ask the nurse next time.

Since they do supply hospital gowns, once they issue you one, there is no instructions on how to wear it,  do you put it on and tie it in the back so your ass shows all the time? or do you tie it in the front so everything else shows. I guarantee you there is no right way, most of the time you see it tie in the back, but then I went to the doctor and they were going to do a cardiogram so they gave me a gown, so I dwell on the idea of which way to put it on and decided that I rather show my asss, until a beautiful slender twenty five year nurse came in and told me to turn it around, I did while she was waiting….. Next time ask the nurse.

Volcan Poás, Costa Rica

Did you pack for the flood?

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I wonder if people getting prepare for the floods in Houston and Louisiana pack correctly.

If I’m getting water coming thru my front door, at some point I have to say, kids, we may need to evacuate, pack your bags.

Now, there is a difference between pack your bags we are leaving on the station wagon and pack your bags we are going to need a rescue boat.

If you are leaving on the good old trusty Chevy caprice Station wagon, you pack suitcases at head out straight to aunt Betty’s house, but if you are thinking that you are going to need a rescue boat, it is all about what you can put in your backpack.

First, are you still thinking you will be going to aunt Betty’s house instead of a shelter? Then don’t forget your Pj’s, your toothbrush, clean underwear and a present, however, if you are going to a shelter, bring a blindfold, ear plugs, a deck of cards and a pair of clean socks; and call aunt Betty and tell her you couldn’t get the guys in the skiff to drop you in her house but you promise you will bring the kids before Christmas.

PS: Whatever decision you made, wether to visit aunt Betty or the charity shelter, don’t forget your important documents before you pack spare underwear, it’s easier to buy clothes than to remember who is your car insurance to file a claim.

I’m Drowning

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I’m leaving the house this morning and don’t know what to pack.

It has been raining for 24 hours, the streets are flooding and I don’t know what to put on, my tall boots or my short boots.

Reality is I should have stay home, but I didn’t. My wife didn’t have to go to school which meant we both had to be home, so I went out, I put on my short boots and packed in the car the long boots, I assume everyone has two pairs of boots at home right?

I was driving around thinking about what do you pack in a long flight, I need to write about that, I know I always wear very comfortable pants, jeans do not do well on the crotch on long flights.

I never been on a flight where the temperature is above 75° F or 24°C but I see a lot of people in shorts, t’shirts, flip flops and a cuban guayabera. Maybe next time you take a long flight you will think why they give you a blanket, and instead of flaunting your cool t-shirt with the logo “No I AM NOT ON F*!#ING FACEBOOK” wear a shirt and a jacket.

Anyway, so I kept driving around, I hate long flights, I kind of realized that my behind is too flat, too much bone and not enough meat, three hours into a flight my derriere starts hurting so I take the pillow and use it as a cushion. Since I always ask for a window seat, I use the blanket as a pillow and lean against the window.

The rain never stopped, this tropical depression Imelda wants to hang out for a while, you ever wonder why they call it a depression? I guess it’s what you get when you can’t get out of the house on fear that you may flood or the fear that once you got out you can’t get back home.

So, I decided to beat the odds and try to make it home, it was depressing. Thank you Imelda.  I wonder what shoes my wife would have chosen. 

Flash Flood In Houston

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If you live in Houston or surrounding area, we have a lot of rain this week; it means flood streets, flood homes, damage cars and more political promises.

Every election we vote to fix the flood issues in Houston and what I don’t understand is why is coming up on a ballot in November again.

In the meantime, don’t forget to pack your umbrella, may be a pair of boots, and a long rope is not a bad idea.

Stay home if you can, but if you need to venture out stay away from high water or just any passage that looks flooded but not too deep, just because it’s only one foot deep doesn’t mean it can’t carry your car downstream.

Why the long rope? Just in case you are the adventurous one, then you will try to pass a high water area with your super duty 4×4 I can go anywhere and find yourself minutes later climbing out of your truck into the top of the cabin and wishing you listen to me and carry the long rope to help the rescuers get to you.

Be safe today, I’m home wishing I had a 4×4 and be adventurous like you are.

THE BLOGS

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Here you can find a list of my Blogs. These funny blogs are written to entertain you, any ideas about a funny blog you would like for me to write, just say so. These are the last five, you can read all of them by following this link View all posts by Xavier 

Do you drive like a man?

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Just because we always complain about women drivers it doesn’t mean men are any better drivers.

I believe the size of a man’s automobile is proportional to the size of their ego, I know this may be controversial as I know a lot of people with big trucks but small egos, however, I live in Texas and everyone drives a truck so the question is whether the size of your truck is as big as your ego.

Have you seen and heard those cars with a muffler so loud you can’t hear yourself think? It’s usually a 1995 Toyota Corolla moving at 20 MPH with the windows open because the AC doesn’t work. Can you explain that to me? The driver thinks he is so cool he is going to pick up any female that looks his way, the fact is he is only going to pick up some dirt from the stuff blowing from his muffler and while he moves between lanes he is the one holding up the traffic.

And what about road rage? It’s very popular these days. It’s very simple, a man with a little 1979 Nissan drives as fast as his pick-up truck lets him, usually around 60 mph in a 55mph road, the guy behind him driving an F-450 is looking over the cabin of the Nissan and trying to go over the little guy at 63 mph, so the little guy gets mad because the 450 behind him is almost on top of his camper, so he slams on the brakes and the big guy who is drinking his Starbucks Moka now is wearing the concoction on his shirt and he gets mad, he drives on top of the Nissan gets in front of him and slams his brakes, this is where road rage begins, now the little guy gets on the right side, gets align with the macho man, flips him off and shows him a machete, while the big guy pulls a 38 and shoots the little guy. So the moral of the story is: If you are going to drive like a man in a little truck don’t show your machete unless you can back it off with a Magnum 57.

And men believe because they drive a truck they have the right of way. They usually weave between the lanes without using turn signals trying to get ahead and five minutes later you catch them up in your Toyota Corolla. As you look the truck over waiting for the light, the macho man behind the wheel flips a cigarette outside the window and peels off as if he is driving a Ferrari just to find himself next to a Ferrari at the next light.

It’s a jungle out there they say, men with big cars and big egos and women with small cars and bad habits.

Guys are so obsessed with their cars they put speakers that fill the whole trunk, when they go to the airport they have to call an uber because they don’t have room where to put their luggage, and when they turn their radio on it’s so loud you hear them coming blocks away, I don’t believe they can actually hear any music inside their car but they believe they are very cool.

And then there is the add-on spoiler, it looks ridiculous. Do you actually believe that adding a spoiler to your car will make it run faster? Just because you press the accelerator to the floor doesn’t mean the car is going to hit 60 mph in 3.5 seconds but in your mind, your Nisan Sentra is now a Porsche Carrera.

If you are going to complain about women drivers, drop your ego two notches, get a station wagon and see if you still feel like the king of the road.

What is the statute of limitations on a doctor’s waiting room?

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Going to the doctor is not the part that bothers me, it’s the waiting part, and the waiting part…..

I just wonder how the doctor sets his schedule every day, maybe it goes like this :

Jennifer, let’s work on the schedule for tomorrow, I’ll be here at 9, I have to take my daughter to practice first and she can’t be late. Schedule the first patient at 8.

Now, at noon I have an appointment with my stockbroker, so let’s not schedule more than 40 people in the morning, I should be done by 2 pm so schedule the first person in the afternoon at 12:30. Since tomorrow is Friday and we close at 4 let’s cancel all previous appointments and move them for Monday, if we have any walk-ins, walk them out.

They tell you to sit and wait, better just take a nap

Let’s set up waiting rooms 1,2,3,4, 5, and 6, if they have been waiting outside more than an hour send them into one of the waiting rooms after twenty minutes ask the assistant to go in and check their weight and blood pressure, don’t want the pressure to get too high while they wait.

I’ll will start with patients in room one if it looks like I’m getting hold by a person asking too many questions and I have been in a room for more than 5 minutes interrupt me and tell me there is an emergency call for me.

Once I seen a patient, send them to the receptionist to pay their bill, make sure we have all their insurance papers on file beforehand, any patient without insurance, charge them half, all others charge them double and add couple aspirins to take home at $100 each and send it to the insurance.

Any questions?

Yes doctor, is the doctor’s aide coming tomorrow?

She said she would, if she comes-in has her see the patients, and only call me if someone specifically asks to speak with me, this will free some of my time to check the Golf Review.

Very well sir, I’ll see you tomorrow sometime.

I speak less as I get older

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I have never been an introvert, a good listener, yes, but never afraid to speak, well, I’m getting older and almost into a twenty-year marriage, so I’m losing my voice.

I remember those early years of adolesence, I imitated my parrot a lot, seems I spoke a lot mainly to every pretty face that came across my path.

When I was in fifth grade, my school was an all-boys school, but across the street there was an all-girls school, every day I would walk home after class and on my way out of school the girls leaving on the school bus would open the windows and shout, “hello pretty eyes!” and I would scream back send me your phone number.

They say you become wiser as you get older, yes, if you are ten and next thing you are a horny fourteen-year-old. Not sure what wiser really means, just because you realized your parents were right when they warned you about drink and driving when you were 16 doesn’t matter anymore ,now you are 26 and wrecking your parents car as a teenager doesn’t change the fact that just because you are wiser the car still was a total lose and just because you can warn your kids the same thing they are going to be just as unwise as you were then.

I noticed in the last few years I don’t receive as many calls from my friends and family as I did before, I do get a lot of calls many from out of state selling insurance or crematory services, how do they know my days are counted? My phone got so smart now it tells if it’s a suspected spammer or telemarketing, but I answer, after all, I pay for my phone and I better use it.

So I like to talk with telemarketers, I figured I’m helping them keep their job even if I don’t buy anything. However, they not always like it when I do the talking instead of them.

Usually, when I answer the phone I hear Is this Mr. Varela? Then I answer, yes, what is your name? I’m calling from True Life Insurance about a new insurance plan for your family. then I interrupt by saying, you are the 1st person I talk with today what is your name, where are you calling from, and then the salesman continues, Robert, and let me tell you about our family plan, then I interrupt again, Robert, is good to meet you, tell me do you sell car insurance? No sir, it’s life insurance. Oh I see, do you sell home insurance? No sir only life insurance. What about an insurance package of home, auto and life insurance. Silence….

we can offer you a great family plan life insurance that covers you, your wife and your children at a very competitive price.

I’m very interested if the plan covers my friends as well.

No sir it’s just a family plan. ………… My friends are like family to me Robert, any way you can add them to a family plan?

We can do a separate policy for your friends if you like

Robert let me put you on hold for a minute I’m going to talk to my wife, don’t hang up. While I walk away I leave my phone next to the boom box playing some Jimmy Hendrix

Five minutes later I grab the phone to see if Robert still holding, if he is desperate he will be there ready to blast me with a special insurance promotions if I sign up right away,

And then I got married, by then I have dated every pretty girl that said hi to me. You heard the words many times “Yes dear” you don’t say that very often in your early years of marriage, I passed my forties when I got married

INTERVIEWS DURING THE PANDEMIC

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Dear sir, we have review your application for the position of In House Child Retention Specialist and would like to schedule an interview Monday at 9 am. The interview will be conducted by the Zoom application, you will receive by email the day before the interview the meeting ID and password. Please submit a recent photograph with a child not older than 5 learning by the computer, on the subject line please write INTERVIEW, MOM WANTS OUT OF THE HOUSE.

I woke up at 7 this morning but I didn’t get out of bed until 9, just before this pandemic I would have been on my way to work, but now I don’t even have to drive to the unemployment office.

I’m one of the lucky ones, I was unemployed, hired at the start of the pandemics, and laid off six months later, what it means? back on vacation for another six months. not that I want to be on vacation but that is what it takes to get another job, but im ready, interviews are on Zoom now, I only have to dress up from the waste up, have my cheat cheat on ther desk where the interviewer can’t see and give it my best.

I read the news this morning and they say unemployment is down to 8 percent, of course, it’s COVID! started 6 months ago which means most people already ran out of unemployment benefits and since they can’t collect anymore the rate goes down.

Honey, I have an interview next Monday, can you get my shirt ready? The interview is at 9 so I’m going to have to take a shower, I need to get in the bathroom before you that morning.

No problem baby, you don’t even know at what time I even get up or even leave the house I hope you can get up before 10 for that interview.

Those are the exchange words with my wife days before the interview, I’m just happy I have an interview, I understand 1500 people applied for the job, and it’s understandable, you don’t want your kids in the house anymore so you rather go and look after other kids somewhere else. Here is an excerpt of the position.

Takem ykids Inc.

Looking for House Child Retention Specialist, we currently have several openings for male and female positions, sign up bonus and long term contract available.

You will be responsible for the day-to-day child development including bathroom breaks, meal preparation, games participation, play stimulation, for the kids as well, and naps requests and denials.

Complete knowledge of windows and doors, specially doggy doors which can lead to child not clocking out during extended breaks.

In order to prepare me for this interview, I have gathered several cheat cheat yellow Post-it that I’m hanging around the computer screen where my interviewer doesn’t see them. I also placed my computer desk in the middle of the room and paid my Summa Cum Laude big brother to stand behind the computer next to a chalkboard to write keywords based on the interview questions. I also promised my 4 year old some candy after the interview if he interrupts me during the interview by sitting on my lap and saying the words, “daddy I finished my homework, can I go and play?”

On this difficult times of unemployment and people looking for work it is important that you prepare yourself correctly for every interview that comes your way especially if they are online, so doing your homework is going to get you a lot farther ahead than anybody else who just simply shows up at the interview with the camera facing downward while wearing pajamas or wearing nothing at all. Do your homework get you post-it ready. get your Summa Cum Laude brother Ready get your kids line up to show up on Q and prey the interviewer doesn’t get disconnected.

Can’t Wait To go Back To School

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I figured schools need guinea pigs these days, so I figured I can volunteer to see how it’s going to work out. I’ll start with kindergarten, they won’t be wearing a mask, only me, and I’m sure the only questions I’m going to get about the Covid19 is going to be what is my name.

Some schools are having online teaching to kindergarten kids, you tell me how is that going to work, the teacher at home calling Mickey to get back on the screen while mickey is already on the floor playing with his toys, and then there is Ralph, the smart kid, he always has a question or a smart answer; Teacher I have to go to the bathroom….You are going to have to wait…..I can’t wait I have to go….can you wait 10 minutes?…. ok…. Mickey where are you….. I’m here teacher…… I don’t see you Mickey…….Ralph where are you going…. to the bathroom teacher……. Peter, I can’t hear you, can you tell your mommy to turn on the microphone?…… Ralph, Ralph, ok let’s take a 10-minute break and bring your word book.

10 minutes later

Kids, you need to get back on the computer, kids, Ralph, Mickey, Peter…….? Who are you? I’m Amanda Peter’s sister….Where is Peter….. I think he is in the kitchen I just need to log in to Facebook for a minute…..

Ralph this is not lunchtime where is your workbook…..In my bedroom Mr. Valera…..Why didn’t you bring your word book to the computer? My mommy told me not to go to my bedroom.

Back in the classroom

Good morning kids, my name is Mr. Varela, can you say Varela? Not Valera, Varela. As you can see your desks are 6 feet apart so we don’t spread the virus.
Peter: My mommy says that you have to wear a mask
ME:: That is correct
Mickey: Can we see your face?
ME:: Yes, here let me show you what I look like
Ralph: I’m going to tell my Mommy that you took your mask off
ME:: Just for a second so you can see my face
Ralph: My mommy says that you have to wear a mask, I’m going to tell her that you didn’t wear a mask.
ME:: Can I help you? Who are you? I’m Amanda, Peter’s sister, mom told me to bring Peter home because school is not completely prepared for Covid19
ME:: Ok kids we are going to have recess in a few minutes, remember you have to stay apart by 6 feet, no sharing toys, no touching or playing together, if you feel sick you need to let me know right away, does everyone understand?
Ralph: Mr. Valera, I’m feeling sick
ME:: What is wrong with you Ralph?
Ralph: My tummy hurts
ME:: Just sit there and be quiet
ME:: We are going to recess, please keep your distance, Mickey that is not 6 feet
Mickey: Teacher, how many feet are six feet?
ME:: You stand right here and Yolanda there, that is six feet
Yolanda: Mr. Varela, Ralph is touching me
ME: Ralph, you need to be six feet behind Yolanda
Ralph: Teacher I counted 6 feet

ME:: Today we are going to the lunchroom 30 minutes earlier so there is not a lot of kids there and you need to keep your distance. Not sharing your lunches, no touching each other, when you are done eating you need to stay in your seat.
Yolanda: My mom says that we are going to die if we get cover with 19
ME: No one is going to die, does everyone knows what a pandemic means?
Ralph: I do I do…. When all the people have to stay home because they can’t work
ME: Mickey, do you know?
Mickey: My daddy says that it’s ball shots
ME: There is no such thing is getting cover with 19 and Mickey please tell your daddy that it’s not ball shots. Your homework for tomorrow is to tell me why we have to wear a mask and stay 6 feet apart. Did everybody get it?
Ralph: Yes teacher, but Yolanda’s feet are bigger than mine.
ME: Yes Ralph but you have a bigger mouth.

Photo by Umut Kemal

I Think the Country is Becoming a Wino..

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What are most people doing these days at home? I can’t speak for all the men, they are probably avoiding all the chores their wives are asking them to do, but the women are drinking away the wine bottles by the dozen.

When I was growing up we had two types of wine; red, and white. If we ate meat for dinner we had red and white if we had fish or chicken. There were no other options, if you ate Sushi you probably lived in Japan anyway and you had sake.

I don’t know when Rosé became an item, exactly what is Rosé? To me, it’s just the leftover of a great red wine mix with the leftovers of some cheapo white left after a tea party of a dozen women with no other thing to do but to drink the rest of the bottles at home while trying to forgive all their husbands who didn’t have the decency to go to the supermarket to get more wine.

I love the Bordeaux’s and the Beaujolais, I have never been much of a white wine drinker but for some reason, I always like German Riesling, perhaps because it has a sweet taste.

Can you tell me why women like wine so much? I never met a woman that didn’t like wine but there is plenty that doesn’t like beer. I’m not much of a beer drinker, I don’t know why since I moved back from Europe beer doesn’t taste the same, I had to give up beer for rum. I don’t drink much wine these days but since the
covic19 started, the wine section looks like the toilet paper section, the only difference is that the wine section has a line and the toilet paper doesn’t.

Have you noticed that the supermarkets have a sommelier in the wine section? I don’t know what his hours are but I’m willing to bet it’s on Saturday afternoon, I know that because my wife seems to disappear with the excuse she is going to run for an hour and on Sundays, we have more bottles of wine than normal.

Can you get me a bottle of wine? I hear this often from my wife when I happen to be grocery shopping, now I’m not a wine connoisseur anymore, I leave that classification to her, after all, she is the one who drinks it every day, however, as I peek in the wine section I find myself trying to pick a cheap bottle of wine she has never tasted before that cost me less than ten bucks.

Pomerol

If you drink a lot of red wine you can’t ignore one problem, the stain teeth. If you get stopped for speeding keep your mouth shut, accept the ticket and get on the way, if the officer asks you where are you going just mutter the word “home” only. If he asks you where are you coming from mutter the words “my mother’s” If you say something like the hospital or a party you only encouraging the officer to ask more questions unlit you will open your mouth wide enough to get the question “Have you been drinking?”

I know wine doesn’t really get you drunk it only gets you talking louder, faster and brings out your knowledge of other languages. But an officer of the law doesn’t have patience or time to listen to your story of why your friends insistent on opening another case of cabernet.

If one thing has changed over the years is the wine names and packaging, and one day someone came out with wine in a box, aged probably overnight and package in the same line as your orange juice.

Wine in a box

And what about the names? The names used to be sophisticated like Cuveé La Tour or Chateau St. Michelle, Having a glass of wine for dinner was an enjoyment, proper glassware was always at the table and then someone changed the rules and the names, I’m surprised to be invited for dinner at a friends house and the wine glasses can be any kind of glass regardless of the choice of wine.

Wine Glasses

Now I see why wine drove me over the edge to rum, some Fat Bastard and a Sassy Bitch full of Frog’s Piss and Cat’s Pee was served at my table when I complain to the waiter about the choice of wine he asked me about the Big Ass Cab, and Naked on Roller Skates, now, I have known Cabrina for several years and I have seen her naked and didn’t think her ass was that big, but never mind, what about the wine? How about a Menage a Trois and Therapy he said, Rum and Coke I said you are not my type.