Author Archives: Xavier

About Xavier

Xavier Varela is a world traveler, I have stay in luxury hotels, bed and breakfasts, Airbnb, family homes and everything in between, I travelled by boat, ferry, cruise ship, airlines trains and automobiles. I hitchhike across Europe and Scandinavian, I'm an avid sailor, I love to paint and write.

My Astrology. Libra, The Balance of the World

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Rule by Venus the love sign.

What exactly is astrology and your sign? I have always been told that I’m a libra, but I thought it was just a measurement, pound means libra in Spanish, now I find out I’m the balance of the world, have I known that when I was young I would have done something about it, now the whole place is out of whack, there is left and right, marriage and divorce, Netflix and Disney and of course Lyft and Uber.

I was skeptical that the balance of the world was all on my shoulder so I decided to checkout the other signs.

Aries the ram, today Mercury shift into Aquarius, WHAT? you have the fighting spirit, sure… you must be the one creating all this chaos since you want to be the center of attention.

Taurus the bull, ” Mercury zips into Aquarius” Did Mercury shift or zip, how does that work, is Aries messing with the Taurus. It says Taurus relationships tends to be drama free, I call that bull…….

Gemini the twins, the ones that never get bored, they probably already figured out if Mercury was shifting or zipping Aquarius. They are two faced, very loyal yes, but they will let you know if you are doing something they don’t like. Since they are the lover sign they probably were in three way triangle with Mercury and Aquarius.

Cancer the crab. Ruled by the moon, really?…..I thought Nasa was. They are known to be psychic, no wonder, I know a psychic who always wants to tell me who I am, what I think, and don’t think, that is just crap.

Leo the lion. Known to be a leader, they always looking at themselves in the mirror to praise themselves, they are willing to help as long as they made the time for it, no wonder that love triangle with Aquarius didn’t involve a Leo. If this world is going to get any better they need to step into the plate. Next time you look yourself in the mirror, look at your feet you probably put your shoes backwards.

Virgo the virgin, may be until they are 18, so what happens after that? once they can’t live up to their reputation they become your best friends, they can really keep a secret and that is a good thing, I don’t want all those no-so virgins spilling out my secrets.

Libra the diplomat, Libras may want all to get get along, no wonder so much chaos, while talking to one side the other is plotting with someone else, Mercury may not be zipping or shifting towards Aquarius but rather trying to get it on with Leo.

Scorpio the scorpion is probably the one who started all this chaos, the world was probably in great shape before Scorpio gave them his opinion whether they wanted or not and wouldn’t back down from his opinion no matter what Aries, Taurus, Mercury or Aquarius thought.

Sagittarius the archer. This leader was probably in it with Scorpio except that he didn’t care what Scorpio said or did, he was going to tell it like it’s, if half the world didn’t care about his opinion, they were going to hear it anyway.

Capricorn the goat. May be the world is the way it’s because Capricorn wanted that way, they already knew what Scorpio and Sagittarius plans was and they work their magic without anyone knowing.

Aquarius the water, this is where the problem started, not sure why Mercury was involved with Aquarius, all that zipping and shifting has all the sign in turmoil and Aquarius seems to look the other way because it couldn’t zip and shift with Sagittarius.

Pisces the fish, may be if they got involved instead of live and let live we could be in better shape, everyone is asking them for advice, but all Mercury got was to go shift with Aquarius and Taurus was getting Mercury to zip Aquarius. Just dip your head underwater and come back out when someone else figures out this world.

So now that I’m carrying all this responsibilities with no help from my zodiac friends I’m starting to understand why I have to celebrate my birthday once a week, the astrology gurus have not been able to pinpoint what my sign is, so they decided to called me a Libra so I would have to carry the guilt until I can stop the charade, good luck, see you next Wednesday, you are buying the drinks.

Whoever created these signs mistake Cancer with Virgo

Where Is My Other Sock

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I get up in the morning, I take a shower, I dress up and throw my dirty socks in the hamper. Once a week my wife takes the dirty clothes to the laundry room, wash them and returns them to the closet.

This morning I’m going to put-on one of my favorite socks and can only find one. Now, I’m asking myself, how difficult is it to grab the clothes out of the hamper, keep in mind there is only two people in this house, and put them in the washing machine? I’m sure it’s a very simple job. Then, how difficult is it to move them from the washing machine to the dryer without losing any socks?

I decided I was going to find all the missing sock once and for all, I know all of you are waiting to find out where do they go. First, I’m going to start with basics, follow the sock trail, after my wife picked the clothes from the hamper I started looking behind the hamper, nothing, just a dead Roach, a machine manual and my missing phone charger I lost last week and I have to purchase a new one for forty dollars at the local mall store, or better, I just got ripped-off store. Since I didn’t find anything I moved on to the washing machine, was there a secret compartment in the machine I was not aware that I failed to read about in the manual which I didn’t really read when I install the machine?

I looked inside, outside, behind and under the washing machine hoping to find some missing socks, for a moment there was hope, I found under the machine a pair of undies so big I believe they belong to grandma, ……wait, …..grandma was only 90 pounds and she has never been in this house, I’m not going to ask who the owner is, I may end up trying to explain whose pair of undies they belong to.

I study the washing machine for a moment, it pours water and then it drains the water thru these tiny holes, is it possible the socks are getting vacuum thru those holes? After all, when you put your clothes in the machine, it fills the machine, but when you are ready to take them out, they only fill have the machine, uhmm… I may need to read the manual.

I decided to move on to the dryer, I pull the dryer out, I look all over the place and found this huge hose going from the dryer to the wall and to the outside, aha! I pulled the hose out and reached inside to see if I could find some missing socks, there was nothing there, so I walk outside to the exit point of the house and guess what, there was one wet sock sitting close by, I screamed alleluia! my wife runs outside to see what is the commotion followed by Skipper the Dog.

I know where the socks go, I said, while skipper looked at me not knowing what was going on; what are you talking about she asked, the socks!…..I found out where the socks go!….. She looked at me in disbelief, is that what you’ve been doing the last two hours instead of cleaning the yard? I pause for a moment while Skipper took off and started digging another hole in the yard, can you stop him from digging all those holes? Skipper!… stop that, I yelled, I walked towards him while he took off, right by my feet he had dig a foot-deep hole and inside I found, guess what, ……not my missing sock, another pair of undies.

Skipper trying to be inconspicuous while I check out the yard

My wife walked back to the house while I covered the hole with my feet, I have found in the last two hours two pairs of undies I was not willing to try to explain. I decided to focus on the yard and forget the missing socks, the yard was full of spots where Skipper has been digging holes, I simply shuffle my feet in all the spots as to not disturb too much the dirt and then I noticed Mrs. Flanagan, looking over the fence, hi Mrs. F, how are you today, no answer.

I hate that fat lady who is always spying and doesn’t like our beloved dog.

How Much Water Should I Drink?

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MY anatomy teacher told me our body is composed of 60% water, that is hard to believe, I should be walking like a noodle.

Seems like every time I drink something fifteen minutes later I have to go to the bathroom. I’m not big into drinking water, in fact you probably not going to see me drinking water unless we are in a desert and we come across the last oasis for hundred miles, then I may pour some of that water in my whiskey flask and call it a day.

The fact that we have to urinate after we drink liquids makes me question the theory that we are composed mainly of water, It doesn’t add up. First of all I’m a Coca-Cola drinker and everyone tells me that is not good for me and I should be drinking water, and since I don’t drink water I should be peeing all that coke, but when I go to the bathroom is doesn’t come out dark it comes out clear, so I figure my body is retaining the coke and disposing of the water.

I’m peeing almost as much as I drink, and if I drink beer I pee more than I drink, you know what they say when you drink beer, once you open the tab you can’t stop going to the bathroom, and that is so true, you drink three beers and you pee four, since I weight about 175 lbs, I made some calculations and came out that my body contains about 42 liters of water.

Total body water

So, a beer bottle contains 0.355 liters, in new years I drank about 20 beers, or 7.1 liters, it will take about 6 new years parties to drain my body or 7 days if I was a freshman in college. These are scary facts, but it does make a lot of sense now.

Beer Pong rules by Sam Vickars

As the new year came and went, some of my friends were more drunk than others, the line to the bathrooms was endless and while we played with fireworks on the streets, I noticed a lot of friends skipping the bathroom line and opting to water the neighbors bushes. Our friend Bernadette could barely stand and Jack the neighbor kept insisting to play another round of beer pong. At 2 am on the new year, Bernadette was sitting on the curb and everyone kept telling her to drink more water.

Happy new year! you could still hear people shouting on the streets, Bernadette had completed drinking about 3 litters of water while she continue to get in line to the bathroom, she was not getting any better despite all the water, her second language or lack of, became her primary speech, I already noticed her walking like a noodle and I knew sooner than later she will be horizontal on the floor.

It’s a fact, as we drain more of the water in our body, the more we walk like a noodle and sooner or later without any water we crumble and end in a horizontal position. Bernadette is a prime example. Hours later we bounced back, barely, the water content is at it’s lowest levels, about 30% , our eyes can’t barely focus, every door knob and every wall becomes walking crutches, the first language start to reappear but with limited vocabulary, usually just a few words like ” I can’t remember”, “where my shoes”, “who are you”, “can I have some water”

What happens with 40% water content

If you make it pass your freshmen year, you start to manage better your drinking habits, first, you are a better player at beer pong and therefore, your life span increases as you win more games, second, you don’t party seven days a week and gives you a chance to celebrate more new years, and third, as you grow older the water content increases, and you can hold you pee for longer periods of time until one day you can’t no longer hold it, you drain all your body, you start walking like a noodle again and sooner or later you crumble back to a horizontal position for the last time.

Santa Claus Is Not Going To Make it To My House

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How does Santa Claus gets down the chimney? I was preparing my fireplace for his arrival and I couldn’t figure out how he was going to get in, the opening of my chimney is about 2 feet by 8 feet, not a very large opening, so I went to the mall to take a look at Santa and I believe I was correct, he is not going to get in.

I asked Santa what kind of food he likes and he told me he loves all those cookies and milk and the gingerbread he gets in every house, no wonder I can’t get my arms around him, it’s not the meat he is getting from the misses but the sugar he is getting from the kids, if he’s going to fit through my chimney he is going to have get into some weight loss program and I’m not sure he has enough time to work on a fitness plan before Christmas.

I left the mall slightly depressed, there was no way Santa was ever going to go through my fireplace which means there is no point in leaving any cookies or any milk. As I walk outside the mall I noticed a skinny Santa coming out of a Fiat 500, imagine my surprise since I just left Santa inside the mall 5 minutes earlier, not only Santa travels at the speed of light on a Fiat but he can shed some pounds on the way.

Christmas Stockings For My Cold Feet

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When I was a kid we pull out our Christmas stocking after Christmas, we were told that the three wise men will fill them up when they arrive on January 6. Originally the day of Christmas was January 6, but someone on the fourth century decided to change it to December 25th for some odd reason, my guess, his birthday was on January 6 and he was not getting enough stuff in his socks.

According to Wikipedia, “A Christmas stocking is an empty sock or sock-shaped bag that is hung on Saint Nicholas Day or Christmas Eve so that Saint Nicholas (or the related figures of Santa Claus and Father Christmas) can fill it with small toys, candy, fruit, coins or other small gifts when he arrives..” Have you seen the size of a Christmas stocking? Where is St. Nicholas going to stuff any toys in there? He is lucky if he can get the Halloween candy to fill any sock.

My Christmas Stockings

These are my Christmas stockings, they showed up before Thanksgiving, I was grateful because it gave me something to be thankful knowing I didn’t have to wait until after Christmas to hang them up, which meant St Nicholas will be coming around the 25th, two weeks earlier than expected, and I will have something else to celebrate on January 6 with the arrival of the three wise men hopefully with more presents and the birthday of that Pope that changed the celebration few centuries ago.

Does anybody actually puts anything inside those socks? I’m guessing, no, after all we put a Christmas tree which by the way I’m not sure either where it came from because when I was a kid we didn’t have a Christmas tree either. It was popular in other countries around the globe but it wasn’t until Hallmark introduced St Valentines Day, Father’s Day, Grandparents Day, the Easter Bunny celebration and all those other celebrations to buy more celebration cards did the Christmas tree arrived in my country at the same time Hallmark open its doors at the shopping centers. So getting back to the socks, the other night was so cold I light up the fireplace, I was trying to warm up my feet when I noticed the Christmas socks above the fireplace. I already purchased a Christmas present for my wife and it looks like it wasn’t going to fit in any of the three socks, if my wife had already purchased my present that I asked, it wasn’t going to fit in any of the socks either, the other sock was for our dog Café, he didn’t asked for anything but he was probably the only one that could actually get something in his stocking, a bone to chew, a flip flop, toilette paper, a leftover leather piece from our couch, the toiletry bag, or anything in the house that I can’t either find the matching pair or it’s already partially destroy and we don’t know how it happened.

Christmas Stockings with money

I have not been in any of my friends houses yet to see what their stockings looks like, but I have been in my favorite watering hole and they do have their stocking hanging by the window, they don’t have a chimney for Saint Nicholas to crawl thru to leave some presents, and my guess is that if you don’t have a fireplace you have to hang the stockings by the window so he can see them and not skip your place, you also need to leave some money with the sock, obviously he didn’t count your home since there was no fireplace, therefore, he is going to need the money to buy more presents. By the look of these stockings, I’m going to bring mine from home and hang it by the window as well.

If you don’t live in Houston you need to understand that in the winter time we switch between the air conditioning and the heater weekly, every time a cold front comes thru the temperature drops and the heater comes-on and three days later the temperatures goes back up and the AC comes-on. Today it’s heater time, as I sit here by the fire place continue to ponder on the reasoning why we hang stockings by the fireplace if we are never going to stuff anything in it. As the evening got colder I finally came to the conclusion that it was for days like this we put those socks by the fire place, without hesitation I took down two and put them on my feet, they were so warm and cozy we have been trying to stuff them with toys instead of cold feet.

Christmas Stockings
Why are stocking for right footer people?

In Fashion, Putting Holes On My Jeans

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There is a trend in fashion today specially in jeans with holes, I noticed women in the department stores looking at jeans and trying to decide which ones to buy, it is a mystery to me, if you are going to buy defective clothes what difference does it make where the holes are?

I was looking around to see what jeans they were buying to see if there was any pattern between what each one picked, however, I couldn’t find one, sometimes the jeans are ripped in the bottom, sometimes on the top, sometimes they are ripped on both sides, or there jeans with tears and holes.

I was pretending to be the president of one of these companies and I could see myself saying something like: Paul, what was our profit margin this month? after getting an answer I would say, …Why don’t we add couple extra holes on the back and save ourselves couple million dollars on material? And get with the marketing department to create a campaign called “Our Jeans have more holes” and price them with a 20% mark-up, that will increase our revenues as well by another 10%.

How many jeans with holes have you thrown out in the last few years? A fortune I’m sure, you didn’t realized they were going to be popular, just like the vinyl records, you threw them in the garbage and now they cost three times as much, you continue to tell your friends that you had the whole Beatles collection and threw it away, just like I had the whole Kris Kristofferson collection.

What is the appropriate age to wear jeans with holes? I was sitting in an airport chair looking at all the women going by and there were none pass the age of 40 with holes on their jeans. One thing i noticed is the size of the holes, the women arriving at the airport had jeans ripped with small slits above and below the the knees while those arriving by air had full size holes by their knees. This observation seems so odd, not only because I noticed some of the women but some men as well.

My sister, my wife and my mother, RIP, Sorry I embarrassed you on the Latin Grammy’s

i have to say that the whole experience left me really puzzel. I could not continue my observations as the loud speaker announced the departure of my flight, people started lining up by numbers, on line 1 all the people flying on first class were ready to board, you may think that this are all the people with money, in fact they are the people who earn the least but travel the most, like the salesman and consultants. On line 2 you have the travelers with the airline credit cards, they walk slow but never look back at those with boarding groups beyond line 2, they feel important because they know they will be the first to fill the economy section of the plane and have plenty of room overhead to put their carry-on and their backpack. Lines 3 and 4 is a mixture of those who booked late or are on their yearly vacation, if they are heading south they are wearing flip flops and Caribbean shirts and if heading north they all wearing jeans with holes.

People on Line 5 are a special group, they book so far in advance they did ‘t really get any deals, they normally never travel by plane, it’s probably their first trip, their carry-on bag is bulging out of the seams, and their backpack is so big it doesn’t fit under a seat. They are constantly looking around to see what everyone else is doing, some of them you recognize immediately as they were the ones holding back the security line in front of you, the kids had backpacks full of candy and soda drinks, the dad with the bulging carry-on had to open his suitcase to pull out the computer buried underneath all his underwear, and the wife was wearing fashionable boots laced all the way to the knees, and when they finally passed thru the scanner they were returned to empty their pockets of the nail clips and the Pocket knives.

Finally I boarded the plane, this time I was sitting on row 17 economy class, window seat, my backpack used to fit underneath the seat in front of me, this time was not the case, why was my backpack so big? did I overfill it? Should I have been in group five? I finally managed to put my backpack underneath the seat, there was no room for my feet but even if the backpack wasn’t there it didn’t seem to be any room for my feet, my legs were pressed against the seat in front of me and the kid from group 5 behind me kept pushing my chair forward.

A 5-hour flight is an eternity, anything more than that is torture unless you’re a Salesman or a consultant, when I finally managed to relax and I was almost asleep my fellow passenger decided to recline his seat, I was licking the top of my knees, I tried to push as much as I could against the seat to no avail. By the time we arrived my legs have turned into a noodle knot, my back was pulsating from the instant massage I received from the five year old and my knees were sore and wet from all the liking I have done.

Finally we arrived and I deplaned, once we entered the departing lounge I noticed a lot of women with fashionable jeans with tears and holes, as I walk passed the passengers in the opposite direction I received constant smiles and heads of approval and then I realized that the crunch against the seat in front of me had made a hole on my jeans, you know were, right by my knees, now I’m as fashionable as you are.

Bogotá Llena de Color Durante el Paro

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Hubo tantas marchas en Bogotá que no sabía a cuál asistir. Como estaba en el lado norte de la ciudad, estaba buscando una no muy lejos de casa, después de todo, lo más probable es que tuviera que caminar 50 cuadras para regresar después de la marcha.

Algunas personas portaban banderas colombianas, algunas cargaban piedras y otros letreros con palabras como “Estoy marchando por la igualdad de los hombres en los ancianatos”, habían padres e hijos, viejos y jóvenes, estudiantes y desertores; mis amigos decidieron unirse al grupo “En Barranquilla me quedo”

Yo seguía indeciso, eran tantos los grupos que no era fácil decidir, hasta el combo los mariachis de la nacional salieron a cantar y marchar. Después de mucha investigación y encontrar muy poco decidí unirme a la marcha con el nombre más apropiado “Colombia Tierra Querida”

Contacté el hombre número uno para recibir las indicaciones apropiadas; punto de encuentro, hora asignada, color de vestimenta, capucha o no, libros o piedras y finalmente respuestas apropiadas a los medios de comunicación en caso que sea elegido para hablar ya que por ser mi primera marcha me daban puesto de VIP al frente del ESMAD.

Recibí las instrucciones apropiadas y me preparé para la marcha, franela 3/4, “con pantalón corto, corbata a la moda sombrero encintado y chupa de boda” ¡Xavier! oi el grito, nadie va al colegio con hambre, la changua está lista, no te vayas sin comer.

Salí tarde, caminé tres cuadras y me cruce con una marcha que no era la mía, lo sé porque tenían una pancarta que decía “Empanadas a Precio de Fabrica” y la fila le daba la vuelta a la cuadra. Continúe mi paso y finalmente encontré mis marcheros, a la vanguardia estan dos compañeros que guardan mi puesto, saludé y pronto tomé posesión, “Un pasito pa’lante, un pasito pa’atras, un dos tres……” y así comenzó la marcha.

A las 9 de la mañana salimos a marchar, ya eran las 10 de la noche y 60 cuadras más al sur, ya no recuerdo porque marchaba, los pies me dolían, las alpargatas se habían desgastado y no quería ser el primero en pedir cacao y desprenderme del grupo.

Finalmente con una escusa baga me retiré, les dije a mis compañeros que iba a ver donde encontraba un baño, tuve que caminar entre las filas de mis compañeros de la vanguardia hasta la retaguardia, a cada paso con la cabeza mirando al piso decía, ya vengo voy a buscar un baño. Una vez que me encontré mirando las espaldas de mis compañeros escaneé los alrededores como buscando un sitio solitario, no muy cerca para que mis marcheros no redujeran el paso como para esperarme mientras yo planeaba mi punto de escape.

A las veinte cuadras de regreso a casa me encontré un grupo de encapuchados, sin pensarlo dos veces me amarré la bufanda alrededor de la cara, hice el signo de paz, me planté al lado de un árbol y empecé a rociar las raíces, finalmente a la una de la mañana llego a casa, estaba rendido, todo me dolía y lo que no dolía ya no funciona, todos en casa dormían, en la cocina encuentro un plato de comida con una nota que decía, Xavier aquí esta tu cena, espero que te allá ido bien en el examen de hoy. Ya relajado tomo mi celular para escuchar los mensajes;….. Xavier, no olvides la marcha de mañana en Soacha, vamos a comenzar una hora mas temprano y trae una cacerola de huevos fritos, dicen que suenan más duro.

A las 3 de la mañana finalmente me acosté, apagué la alarma e hice una llamada,…. Gonzalo, mañana no marcho, el tren de la sabana está en paro, los taxis no quieren ir a Soacha, la estación de transmilenio la cerraron y en mi casa no comen huevos fritos. Suerte.

En paro

Invitación a los Latin Grammys

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Esmoquin, vestido corto, zapatillas, tacones altos, traje de payaso, traje rojo, pantalones de paracaídas, sudaderas con capucha, franela, corbatas, sin corbatas, camisas de prensa, polos arrugados, faldas con una abertura tan alta que puedo ver el ombligo, vestidos con cortes tan bajos que puedo ver el ombligo, sostenes sin camisa y camisa sin sostenes. Sin gafas para leer pero con muchas gafas de sol.

Las Vegas lo tiene todo para los Grammys, pero al fin y al cabo son Las Vegas. Empecé a desesperarme por encontrar qué ponerme para esta ocasión, ¿debo usar mi esmoquin? No, no voy a recibir un Grammy, así que voy a parecer fuera de lugar. ¿Debo poner una corbata? No, son para premios musicales, nadie va de corbata. Puede ser solo mis jeans y una camiseta, no, probablemente no me dejarán entrar. Usted debe conocer esos momentos de desesperación cuando recibe una invitación para los Grammys y necesita saber qué ponerse, su corazón comienza a latir más rápido, apenas puede hablar y no sabe qué decirle a su esposa ya que la invitación no dice usted y un invitado.

Ese es el momento de lanzar el; ¿Recuerdas cuando fuiste a ver a tu tía Ramona y sus siete hijos y yo no fui? La respuesta que obtendrá probablemente no sea la que espera, puede intentar adivinar lo que su esposa va a decir, pero por experiencia puedo decirle que cuando supe todas las respuestas, cambiaron las preguntas. Debe mantener la calma y pensar con claridad lo que va a responder, independientemente de lo que diga su esposa, si puede bloquear sus oídos, concentrarse en cuál va a ser su respuesta e ignora todo lo que está escuchando será una ventaja para usted.

Esperé pacientemente a que mi esposa regresara de las compras, ensayé bien mis líneas, no importar lo que fuera a decirme mi esposa, mi respuesta iba a ser clara y al grano; “Cariño, ya llamé al promotor que me envió la invitación y le pregunté si podía llevarte a los Grammys y él me dijo que los boletos eran muy limitados y que como yo era amigo de la Fundación Grammy, podían ofrecerme solamente un boleto, pero si lo prefieres puedo quedarme en casa y presentarte a Carlos y al grupo de la fundación y tu puedes ir con ellos” Lógicamente iba a decir que no, que yo fuera.

Tan pronto como llegó mi esposa, no podía esperar para contarle las noticias, las primeras palabras que salieron de mi boca fueron, ¡cariño! no sé qué ponerme ¡Recibí una invitación para los Grammys! Ella respondió de inmediato, ¡que emoción! voy a usar el vestido negro que compré el año pasado durante el viernes negro y me preguntaste por qué estaba comprando un vestido solo porque estaba en oferta y te dije que era una verdadera ganga que tenía un 50% de descuento y solo quedaba uno, ¿recuerdas? Sí, creo recordarlo, pero la cuestión es …me interrumpió, y puedo usar los zapatos negros con los cordones dorados que te dije que compré en El Forever 21 durante la maratón de compras del día del trabajo ¿recuerdas?

Perdí la concentración, el punto era acerca de lo que iba a ponerme yo, inhalo profundamente, hago una pausa, inhalo de nuevo, mi esposa continúa murmurando algo sobre sus joyas y finalmente dije, cariño, solo tengo un boleto, y respiré. Sin parar un segundo todo lo que pude oír fue, no te preocupes, tomaré muchas fotos.

Respiro más de lo que puedo inhalar, todos los preparativos del discurso para este momento se quedaron completamente sin contenido, no importa si recibí un boleto para los Grammys, de alguna manera supe que era ella quien iría a los Grammys. El momento de pánico se convirtió en un sudor frío, olvidé todo, me di la vuelta, estiré los pies, estuve en silencio total y luego di otra vuelta repentina y me golpeé muy fuerte, la espalda me dolió, mi esposa saltó, y de repente las luces se encendieron, yo estaba en el piso, despierte dijo mi esposa, abrí los ojos e inhalé profundamente, en un instante sonreí y me di cuenta de que no iría a los Grammys pero tampoco mi esposa.

Las Vegas

The Latin Grammys Invitation

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Tuxedo, short dress, sneakers, high heels, clown suit, red suit, parachute pants, hoodies, flannel, ties, no ties, press shirts, wrinkle polo shirts, dresses with a slit so high I can see the belly button, dresses with so low cuts I can see the belly button, just bras no shirt and shirt no bra. No reading glasses but plenty of sunglasses.

Las Vegas has it all for the Grammys, but then again it’s Las Vegas, I started desperate to find what to wear for this occasion, should I wear my tuxedo? No, I’m not getting a Grammy so I’ll look out of place. Should I put a tie? No, it’s for musical awards, who is going to wear a tie. May be just my jeans and a t-shirt, no, they probably won’t let me in. I know this moments of desperation when you get an invitation to the Grammys and you need to find out what to wear, you probably all being there; your heart starts beating faster, you can’t hardly speak and you don’t know what to tell your wife since the invitation doesn’t say you and a guest.

That is the time to throw the; Remember when you went to see your aunt Ruthy and the seven kids and I didn’t go? The response you are going to get is probably not what you expect, you may try to guess what your wife is going to say, but from experience I can tell you that when I knew all the answers, they changed the questions. You must remain calm and think clearly what you are going to answer regardless what your wife says, if you can block your ears, concentrate and what your answer is going to be and ignore everything you are hearing is going to be to your advantage.

I waited patiently for my wife to return from grocery shopping, I rehearsed my lines well, no matter what she was going to tell me my answer was going to be clear and to the point; “Honey, I already call the promoter that send me the invitation and asked him if I could take you to the Grammys and he told me that the numbers were very limited and since I was a friend of the Grammy Foundation they could offer me one ticket but, if you prefer I can stay home and I can introduced you to John and foundation group and you can go with them”

As soon as my wife arrived I couldn’t wait to tell her the news, the first words out of my mouth were, honey, I don’t know what to wear! I got an invitation to the Grammys! She immediately replied, I’m so excited, I’m going to wear the black dress I got on sale last year during black friday and you ask me why I was buying a dress just because it was on sale and I told you it was a real bargain and it was 50% off and there was only one left, remember? Yes, I think I remember, but the thing is……she interrupted, “and I can wear the black shoes with the gold laces I told you I bought in Macy’s during the president’s day shopping marathon, remember? I totally lost my concentration, the point was about what I was going to wear, I inhale deeply, I pause, inhale again, my wife continue to murmur something about her jewelry and finally I said, honey I only have one ticket, I exhaled. Without any hesitation from my wife all I could hear her saying was, don’t worry I’ll take a lot of pictures.

I exhale more than I could inhale, all the speech preparations for this moment became completely out of content, it didn’t matter I received a ticket to the Grammys, somehow I knew that it was her going to the Grammys. The moment of panic turned into a cold sweat, forget it all, I turned around, stretch my feet, I was in total silence and then I make another sudden turned and I hit myself really hard, my wife jump, my back hurt and suddenly the lights came on and I was flat on the floor, wake up my wife said, I open my eyes and inhale deeply, in and instant I smiled and realized I was not going and my wife was not going to the Grammys either.

Las Vegas

El Código de Vestir de un Hombre Para una Ceremonia Formal

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Hay tantas ceremonias; en la escuela, el trabajo, el gobierno, los funerales, los Grammys, etc., es difícil descubrir cuál es el código de vestimenta adecuado, creo que si olvidas que hay un código de vestimenta, estarás mejor.

Como me invitaron a varios funerales el año pasado, aprendí rápidamente qué no usar, la primera vez que me invitaron a un velorio de un amigo que era marinero, me puse mis pantalones caqui, una bonita camisa caribeña y un blazer azul. Pronto descubrí que los marineros visten de negro también.

Si trabaja en una oficina con un traje y una corbata todo el día, probablemente tenderá a vestirse mal y aún se presentará en una ceremonia con una camisa planchada y una corbata, pero si es un trabajador de cuello azul y necesita ir a una ceremonia se vuelve complicado, a menos que seas como yo, empujando mi propio funeral, entonces no te preocupes, es posible que no recibas más invitaciones. El día que recibe una de esas invitaciones formales, entra en pánico, el único traje que posee que no ha usado en más de un año y su esposa le recuerda constantemente que pierda peso; sus camisas formales son muy cortas y no entran en los pantalones, no puede ver qué tipo de zapatos usa y sabe que no ha comprado nada mediano desde que todas las marcas cambiaron sus medidas y lo que solía ser mediano ahora es grande.

Lo primero que debe hacer es sacar ese traje viejo que no usa hace mucho tiempo y probar la chaqueta, si la chaqueta se encogió y no puede abotonarla, no pruebe los pantalones que probablemente se encogieron también, le pasa a toda la ropa de hombre una vez que alcanzas los años 40, es un programa de mercadeo fenomenal, la ropa se encogerá a esa edad sin ninguna razón y le obliga a comprar más ropa, generalmente una o dos tallas más grandes. Sin embargo, si comete el error y prueba los pantalones primero antes de la chaqueta, no se deje engañar si cree que le quedan bien, sé que usar pantalones a la mitad de su trasero está de moda, pero esa moda solo se aplica si es un adolescente y usar el último hueco de un cinturón para sostener sus pantalones solo hará que su camisa se encoja aún más.

Pasemos a lo básico, si no posee un traje o si su único traje ya no le queda, tiene dos opciones; salga de prisa a comprar un traje nuevo que probablemente no esté dispuesto a guardar ya que no ha usado un traje desde su boda o busque algo apropiado en su armario que su esposa pueda aprobar.

Comience con sus zapatos, si tienen casquillo de acero no van a servirle, pueden ser sus favoritos, pero la única razón por la que sus dedos no se ven es porque aún queda acero visible entre los dedos y el exterior. Evite los zapatos deportivos si tiene otras opciones, pero si no la tiene, sus zapatos de casquillo funcionarán. Lo siguiente serán sus pantalones, supongo que tiene calcetines, el color ya no importa, está de moda los calcetines de color, los blancos desteñidos que tiene los puede usar si lo deseas. La mayoría de las ceremonias tienden a ser por las noches, como regla general, usas ropa oscura en las noches y colores más claros en el día, si no tiene ropa oscura, pregunta al anfitrión si pueden reprogramar la ceremonia para las horas del día.

Una vez que haya resuelto sus zapatos, sus calcetines y sus pantalones, es hora de completar su atuendo con una camisa, una corbata y una chaqueta. La camisa va a ser importante ya que lleva corbata, las corbatas con clip son aceptables si no sabe cómo atar una corbata, y será necesaria una camisa con cuello, así que omita el cajón con las camisetas y los pantalones rotos, encuentre una camisa con cuello o pida prestada una de su hermano, ya sabe …, el que realmente hizo algo de su vida, probablemente le pueda prestar la camisa y la corbata. Si no puede encontrar una chaqueta, no se preocupe, no se la ponga, al fin y al cabo, no va a quedar como el resto de los invitados y eso probablemente sea algo bueno, siempre lo recordarán.

Calcetines de color están de moda