Here you can find a list of my Blogs. These funny blogs are written to entertain you, any ideas about a funny blog you would like for me to write, just say so. These are the last five, you can read all of them by following this link View all posts by Xavier
Category Archives: WEEKLY BLOGS
Customer Service from the other side of the world
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Do you find yourself talking to a customer service representative whose accent is so thick the only thing you understand is when they mention your name? Maybe?
I have nothing against hiring someone from another country to answer a phone and a few questions but the problem is, if both parties don’t understand each other how do you solve the issue? I’m from another country so I’m not going to apply for a job where I have to speak another language I barely know, I can barely master English, much less my Spanish after a few drinks.
recently I had to call my credit card for a double charge, the unusual ring on my phone already told me my call was getting shipped to Saharanpur, India.
Good afternooon sir my name is rayi induru, how can i helppu?
On my last statement, there is a charge that appears double.
Im sorrry for that can u tell me yourfil name?
sorry, can you repeat that?
Yes, con yuutellme your namee
My name is Xavier and there is a double charge on my credit card
So you tellingmethaad acharge inyourcr edit card is doubler?
Sorry can you repeat that?
So twenty minutes later, she repeated several times what she said and I continue to say, yes my name is Xavier and there is…..
How did she get hired I ask myself? The ad in the Indian Gazette says “Looking for an English speaker for our customer service desk, this is a work at home position, you must be able to handle simple phone calls from our customers and help solve their issues. Most simple inquiry calls will last anywhere from 20 minutes to infinity but you are only required to work twelve hours a day. The pay rate is based on word count from our customers that do not get repeated. Our company has an excellent benefits package including tuition reimbursement for English pronunciation classes. Please call our office to schedule an interview. “
THIS IS HOW THE INTERVIEW GOES
Good afternoon, welcome to Tos Crew Ourcust Omer Company, what is your name?
Indira kant Singh but you kan callme Indira kanttak
Yes Indira, tell me about yourself
I was bornin Karashi and study Indinglish at the Academy of Badinglish in Delhi.
I see, why do you want to work for this company?
Iwas toldthe ours are longand the pay lousy
I see, can you repeat that?
Iwas toldthe ours… Never mind, do you have a good internet connection at home?
Mybrother sais thecon at the village issthebeest in India
I see, can you repeat that?
Mybrother sais thecon at the village… Never mind, you seem to be very, very well qualified, can you start this evening?
If I start walkingbacto thevillage ican estaart at midnig
I see… whatever.. just fill out this form and we can get you online right away
Doyouu wontme to fillform heere in office?
Sorry, can you repeat that? Forget it is not important for this job
For classification purposes can you tell me, do you speak English?
Berybery well
Is your English American, British or Australian?
Is veryenglish from the Indian academy of Badenglishh
I see, you are extremely qualify for our customer support desk, good luck Indira.
If you need anything don’t call us we call you.
Do you drive like a man?
Just because we always complain about women drivers it doesn’t mean men are any better drivers.
I believe the size of a man’s automobile is proportional to the size of their ego, I know this may be controversial as I know a lot of people with big trucks but small egos, however, I live in Texas and everyone drives a truck so the question is whether the size of your truck is as big as your ego.
Have you seen and heard those cars with a muffler so loud you can’t hear yourself think? It’s usually a 1995 Toyota Corolla moving at 20 MPH with the windows open because the AC doesn’t work. Can you explain that to me? The driver thinks he is so cool he is going to pick up any female that looks his way, the fact is he is only going to pick up some dirt from the stuff blowing from his muffler and while he moves between lanes he is the one holding up the traffic.
And what about road rage? It’s very popular these days. It’s very simple, a man with a little 1979 Nissan drives as fast as his pick-up truck lets him, usually around 60 mph in a 55mph road, the guy behind him driving an F-450 is looking over the cabin of the Nissan and trying to go over the little guy at 63 mph, so the little guy gets mad because the 450 behind him is almost on top of his camper, so he slams on the brakes and the big guy who is drinking his Starbucks Moka now is wearing the concoction on his shirt and he gets mad, he drives on top of the Nissan gets in front of him and slams his brakes, this is where road rage begins, now the little guy gets on the right side, gets align with the macho man, flips him off and shows him a machete, while the big guy pulls a 38 and shoots the little guy. So the moral of the story is: If you are going to drive like a man in a little truck don’t show your machete unless you can back it off with a Magnum 57.
And men believe because they drive a truck they have the right of way. They usually weave between the lanes without using turn signals trying to get ahead and five minutes later you catch them up in your Toyota Corolla. As you look the truck over waiting for the light, the macho man behind the wheel flips a cigarette outside the window and peels off as if he is driving a Ferrari just to find himself next to a Ferrari at the next light.
It’s a jungle out there they say, men with big cars and big egos and women with small cars and bad habits.
Guys are so obsessed with their cars they put speakers that fill the whole trunk, when they go to the airport they have to call an uber because they don’t have room where to put their luggage, and when they turn their radio on it’s so loud you hear them coming blocks away, I don’t believe they can actually hear any music inside their car but they believe they are very cool.
And then there is the add-on spoiler, it looks ridiculous. Do you actually believe that adding a spoiler to your car will make it run faster? Just because you press the accelerator to the floor doesn’t mean the car is going to hit 60 mph in 3.5 seconds but in your mind, your Nisan Sentra is now a Porsche Carrera.
If you are going to complain about women drivers, drop your ego two notches, get a station wagon and see if you still feel like the king of the road.
Why my Wife Insists on Moving my Stuff
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When I arrive home the first thing I do is go straight to the kitchen and hang my keys on the key holder. Simple, when I get up in the morning I know where to find my keys.
I confess I’m not the most organized person but I always know where I leave my stuff.
Why do wives have to move your stuff whenever they find it? I noticed my wife doesn’t move her things but when I’m trying to find mines they are nowhere to be found.
You can’t navigate around my nightstand without having to move something to get something else, I know it’s not organized the way she wants it but I know what I have there, my wife, on the other hand, thinks that because it’s full of stuff is disorganized and in order to dust the surface she needs to move everything and put it in the first drawer she can find.
Does that make sense? if the table is full of stuff why does she need to clean the surface? shouldn’t she be cleaning my watches, receipts, wallet, keys, and everything that is on top of the surface she wants to clean?
And then there are my clothes, she thinks putting the shirts by color together is well organized. It may be organized to her but not to me, I no longer know if a shirt I wore more than once needs to go to the laundry. Since she does the laundry I’m going to throw in all the blue shirts at once and tell her that from now on the first week of the month is blue, whether I have worn them or not.
I keep thinking I’m going to move my stuff to some odd place to see if it gets moved to where I really want it to be in the first place, but trying to guess how my wife’s brain actually works has been a challenge. Last week I received a small part I need to replace in my car, I put it on top of the kitchen counter so I wouldn’t forget to change it, days later I remembered about the part which I hadn’t seen and when I looked in the counter it was no longer there, so I started opening all the cabinets looking for the part and I never found it.
How does my wife’s brain work? It’s a mystery, it has been three weeks since I looked for the car part and I couldn’t it. I didn’t want to ask my wife in order to avoid the same argument; she would say, “Why don’t I put everything in its place?”
I’m asking myself where she thinks this part is supposed to be. THE GARAGE OF COURSE! Wrong, two hours later after searching for the part in the garage and not being able to find it I gave up and called my wife.
Honey, have you seen that part I received in the mail and left on the kitchen counter a couple of weeks ago?
My wife’s response was just what I expected…. If you put it where it belongs every time you will find it.
You are right honey, did you put it in the garage?
No, she replied, I put it on top of your drafting table.
Do You Drive Like A Woman?
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I always hear women are bad drivers, I never heard a woman say, I’m a bad driver, but often I hear men say I’m a great driver.
If I’m driving somewhere with my wife I always drive and while I’m driving I noticed my wife is sitting in the passenger seat moving items from one purse to the other or chasing a fallen lipstick under the seat, But what really gets me is that when I lower the sunshade on the driver side the mirror is open, so I ask myself, did she use the mirror before she pulled out of the driveway or while on the road. If you use the mirror before you leave to check the wrinkles on your face why don’t you close the mirror flap? Why do cars have driver seat mirrors? If I need to look at my face I use the regular mirror.
There are a lot of Mario Andrettis out there, for some of you who drive like a woman, Andretti was a great race car driver in the past, you know those drivers because they have a 4 cylinder 1985 Toyota corolla with some kind of muffler noiser and you hear them coming a block away as if they are going a hundred miles per hour and when they get to you they are barely moving at the speed of a tricycle. If you look at them, don’t expect a look back, their eyes are focused on the traffic light as they expect to peel off the intersection fast enough for everyone a block away to hear the noisy muffler, of course, you will catch them up on the next light as you are probably driving as fast as they are.
I really hate when you are on a three-lane highway with a 60 mile per hour speed limit and the three cars in front of you are using all the lanes and they all are driving exactly at 60 mph, two minutes later there are 100 cars behind trying to pass, if you are one of those, you are driving like a woman, speed UP TO 65 and get out of the way.
I’m not saying women are bad drivers, is just that they finish dressing-up while on the road and that is why they are slow, like down to 55 on a 55 mph road.
There is a lot of road rage going on these days, just yesterday one of those Andrettis zoom by me at 5 miles per hour and when I cut him off he got really mad and flip-me off. I really didn’t have a choice, I fell off my bicycle in front of him while he was pushing his Toyota Corolla. I picked up my bicycle and without looking I moved away, I was afraid he was going to pull a machete or worst, flip me off again.
Women are not bad drivers, they are just slow drivers, reason we called them bad drivers, just because they drive 30 miles per hour under the speed limit doesn’t make them bad it just makes the men desperate because they can’t pass.
What is the statute of limitations on a doctor’s waiting room?
Going to the doctor is not the part that bothers me, it’s the waiting part, and the waiting part…..
I just wonder how the doctor sets his schedule every day, maybe it goes like this :
Jennifer, let’s work on the schedule for tomorrow, I’ll be here at 9, I have to take my daughter to practice first and she can’t be late. Schedule the first patient at 8.
Now, at noon I have an appointment with my stockbroker, so let’s not schedule more than 40 people in the morning, I should be done by 2 pm so schedule the first person in the afternoon at 12:30. Since tomorrow is Friday and we close at 4 let’s cancel all previous appointments and move them for Monday, if we have any walk-ins, walk them out.
Let’s set up waiting rooms 1,2,3,4, 5, and 6, if they have been waiting outside more than an hour send them into one of the waiting rooms after twenty minutes ask the assistant to go in and check their weight and blood pressure, don’t want the pressure to get too high while they wait.
I’ll will start with patients in room one if it looks like I’m getting hold by a person asking too many questions and I have been in a room for more than 5 minutes interrupt me and tell me there is an emergency call for me.
Once I seen a patient, send them to the receptionist to pay their bill, make sure we have all their insurance papers on file beforehand, any patient without insurance, charge them half, all others charge them double and add couple aspirins to take home at $100 each and send it to the insurance.
Any questions?
Yes doctor, is the doctor’s aide coming tomorrow?
She said she would, if she comes-in has her see the patients, and only call me if someone specifically asks to speak with me, this will free some of my time to check the Golf Review.
Very well sir, I’ll see you tomorrow sometime.
I speak less as I get older
I have never been an introvert, a good listener, yes, but never afraid to speak, well, I’m getting older and almost into a twenty-year marriage, so I’m losing my voice.
I remember those early years of adolesence, I imitated my parrot a lot, seems I spoke a lot mainly to every pretty face that came across my path.
When I was in fifth grade, my school was an all-boys school, but across the street there was an all-girls school, every day I would walk home after class and on my way out of school the girls leaving on the school bus would open the windows and shout, “hello pretty eyes!” and I would scream back send me your phone number.
They say you become wiser as you get older, yes, if you are ten and next thing you are a horny fourteen-year-old. Not sure what wiser really means, just because you realized your parents were right when they warned you about drink and driving when you were 16 doesn’t matter anymore ,now you are 26 and wrecking your parents car as a teenager doesn’t change the fact that just because you are wiser the car still was a total lose and just because you can warn your kids the same thing they are going to be just as unwise as you were then.
I noticed in the last few years I don’t receive as many calls from my friends and family as I did before, I do get a lot of calls many from out of state selling insurance or crematory services, how do they know my days are counted? My phone got so smart now it tells if it’s a suspected spammer or telemarketing, but I answer, after all, I pay for my phone and I better use it.
So I like to talk with telemarketers, I figured I’m helping them keep their job even if I don’t buy anything. However, they not always like it when I do the talking instead of them.
Usually, when I answer the phone I hear Is this Mr. Varela? Then I answer, yes, what is your name? I’m calling from True Life Insurance about a new insurance plan for your family. then I interrupt by saying, you are the 1st person I talk with today what is your name, where are you calling from, and then the salesman continues, Robert, and let me tell you about our family plan, then I interrupt again, Robert, is good to meet you, tell me do you sell car insurance? No sir, it’s life insurance. Oh I see, do you sell home insurance? No sir only life insurance. What about an insurance package of home, auto and life insurance. Silence….
we can offer you a great family plan life insurance that covers you, your wife and your children at a very competitive price.
I’m very interested if the plan covers my friends as well.
No sir it’s just a family plan. ………… My friends are like family to me Robert, any way you can add them to a family plan?
We can do a separate policy for your friends if you like
Robert let me put you on hold for a minute I’m going to talk to my wife, don’t hang up. While I walk away I leave my phone next to the boom box playing some Jimmy Hendrix
Five minutes later I grab the phone to see if Robert still holding, if he is desperate he will be there ready to blast me with a special insurance promotions if I sign up right away,
And then I got married, by then I have dated every pretty girl that said hi to me. You heard the words many times “Yes dear” you don’t say that very often in your early years of marriage, I passed my forties when I got married
INTERVIEWS DURING THE PANDEMIC
Dear sir, we have review your application for the position of In House Child Retention Specialist and would like to schedule an interview Monday at 9 am. The interview will be conducted by the Zoom application, you will receive by email the day before the interview the meeting ID and password. Please submit a recent photograph with a child not older than 5 learning by the computer, on the subject line please write INTERVIEW, MOM WANTS OUT OF THE HOUSE.
I woke up at 7 this morning but I didn’t get out of bed until 9, just before this pandemic I would have been on my way to work, but now I don’t even have to drive to the unemployment office.
I’m one of the lucky ones, I was unemployed, hired at the start of the pandemics, and laid off six months later, what it means? back on vacation for another six months. not that I want to be on vacation but that is what it takes to get another job, but im ready, interviews are on Zoom now, I only have to dress up from the waste up, have my cheat cheat on ther desk where the interviewer can’t see and give it my best.
I read the news this morning and they say unemployment is down to 8 percent, of course, it’s COVID! started 6 months ago which means most people already ran out of unemployment benefits and since they can’t collect anymore the rate goes down.
Honey, I have an interview next Monday, can you get my shirt ready? The interview is at 9 so I’m going to have to take a shower, I need to get in the bathroom before you that morning.
No problem baby, you don’t even know at what time I even get up or even leave the house I hope you can get up before 10 for that interview.
Those are the exchange words with my wife days before the interview, I’m just happy I have an interview, I understand 1500 people applied for the job, and it’s understandable, you don’t want your kids in the house anymore so you rather go and look after other kids somewhere else. Here is an excerpt of the position.
Takem ykids Inc.
Looking for House Child Retention Specialist, we currently have several openings for male and female positions, sign up bonus and long term contract available.
You will be responsible for the day-to-day child development including bathroom breaks, meal preparation, games participation, play stimulation, for the kids as well, and naps requests and denials.
Complete knowledge of windows and doors, specially doggy doors which can lead to child not clocking out during extended breaks.
In order to prepare me for this interview, I have gathered several cheat cheat yellow Post-it that I’m hanging around the computer screen where my interviewer doesn’t see them. I also placed my computer desk in the middle of the room and paid my Summa Cum Laude big brother to stand behind the computer next to a chalkboard to write keywords based on the interview questions. I also promised my 4 year old some candy after the interview if he interrupts me during the interview by sitting on my lap and saying the words, “daddy I finished my homework, can I go and play?”
On this difficult times of unemployment and people looking for work it is important that you prepare yourself correctly for every interview that comes your way especially if they are online, so doing your homework is going to get you a lot farther ahead than anybody else who just simply shows up at the interview with the camera facing downward while wearing pajamas or wearing nothing at all. Do your homework get you post-it ready. get your Summa Cum Laude brother Ready get your kids line up to show up on Q and prey the interviewer doesn’t get disconnected.
Can’t Wait To go Back To School
I figured schools need guinea pigs these days, so I figured I can volunteer to see how it’s going to work out. I’ll start with kindergarten, they won’t be wearing a mask, only me, and I’m sure the only questions I’m going to get about the Covid19 is going to be what is my name.
Some schools are having online teaching to kindergarten kids, you tell me how is that going to work, the teacher at home calling Mickey to get back on the screen while mickey is already on the floor playing with his toys, and then there is Ralph, the smart kid, he always has a question or a smart answer; Teacher I have to go to the bathroom….You are going to have to wait…..I can’t wait I have to go….can you wait 10 minutes?…. ok…. Mickey where are you….. I’m here teacher…… I don’t see you Mickey…….Ralph where are you going…. to the bathroom teacher……. Peter, I can’t hear you, can you tell your mommy to turn on the microphone?…… Ralph, Ralph, ok let’s take a 10-minute break and bring your word book.
10 minutes later
Kids, you need to get back on the computer, kids, Ralph, Mickey, Peter…….? Who are you? I’m Amanda Peter’s sister….Where is Peter….. I think he is in the kitchen I just need to log in to Facebook for a minute…..
Ralph this is not lunchtime where is your workbook…..In my bedroom Mr. Valera…..Why didn’t you bring your word book to the computer? My mommy told me not to go to my bedroom.
Back in the classroom
Good morning kids, my name is Mr. Varela, can you say Varela? Not Valera, Varela. As you can see your desks are 6 feet apart so we don’t spread the virus.
Peter: My mommy says that you have to wear a mask
ME:: That is correct
Mickey: Can we see your face?
ME:: Yes, here let me show you what I look like
Ralph: I’m going to tell my Mommy that you took your mask off
ME:: Just for a second so you can see my face
Ralph: My mommy says that you have to wear a mask, I’m going to tell her that you didn’t wear a mask.
ME:: Can I help you? Who are you? I’m Amanda, Peter’s sister, mom told me to bring Peter home because school is not completely prepared for Covid19
ME:: Ok kids we are going to have recess in a few minutes, remember you have to stay apart by 6 feet, no sharing toys, no touching or playing together, if you feel sick you need to let me know right away, does everyone understand?
Ralph: Mr. Valera, I’m feeling sick
ME:: What is wrong with you Ralph?
Ralph: My tummy hurts
ME:: Just sit there and be quiet
ME:: We are going to recess, please keep your distance, Mickey that is not 6 feet
Mickey: Teacher, how many feet are six feet?
ME:: You stand right here and Yolanda there, that is six feet
Yolanda: Mr. Varela, Ralph is touching me
ME: Ralph, you need to be six feet behind Yolanda
Ralph: Teacher I counted 6 feet
ME:: Today we are going to the lunchroom 30 minutes earlier so there is not a lot of kids there and you need to keep your distance. Not sharing your lunches, no touching each other, when you are done eating you need to stay in your seat.
Yolanda: My mom says that we are going to die if we get cover with 19
ME: No one is going to die, does everyone knows what a pandemic means?
Ralph: I do I do…. When all the people have to stay home because they can’t work
ME: Mickey, do you know?
Mickey: My daddy says that it’s ball shots
ME: There is no such thing is getting cover with 19 and Mickey please tell your daddy that it’s not ball shots. Your homework for tomorrow is to tell me why we have to wear a mask and stay 6 feet apart. Did everybody get it?
Ralph: Yes teacher, but Yolanda’s feet are bigger than mine.
ME: Yes Ralph but you have a bigger mouth.
I Think the Country is Becoming a Wino..
What are most people doing these days at home? I can’t speak for all the men, they are probably avoiding all the chores their wives are asking them to do, but the women are drinking away the wine bottles by the dozen.
When I was growing up we had two types of wine; red, and white. If we ate meat for dinner we had red and white if we had fish or chicken. There were no other options, if you ate Sushi you probably lived in Japan anyway and you had sake.
I don’t know when Rosé became an item, exactly what is Rosé? To me, it’s just the leftover of a great red wine mix with the leftovers of some cheapo white left after a tea party of a dozen women with no other thing to do but to drink the rest of the bottles at home while trying to forgive all their husbands who didn’t have the decency to go to the supermarket to get more wine.
I love the Bordeaux’s and the Beaujolais, I have never been much of a white wine drinker but for some reason, I always like German Riesling, perhaps because it has a sweet taste.
Can you tell me why women like wine so much? I never met a woman that didn’t like wine but there is plenty that doesn’t like beer. I’m not much of a beer drinker, I don’t know why since I moved back from Europe beer doesn’t taste the same, I had to give up beer for rum. I don’t drink much wine these days but since the
covic19 started, the wine section looks like the toilet paper section, the only difference is that the wine section has a line and the toilet paper doesn’t.
Have you noticed that the supermarkets have a sommelier in the wine section? I don’t know what his hours are but I’m willing to bet it’s on Saturday afternoon, I know that because my wife seems to disappear with the excuse she is going to run for an hour and on Sundays, we have more bottles of wine than normal.
Can you get me a bottle of wine? I hear this often from my wife when I happen to be grocery shopping, now I’m not a wine connoisseur anymore, I leave that classification to her, after all, she is the one who drinks it every day, however, as I peek in the wine section I find myself trying to pick a cheap bottle of wine she has never tasted before that cost me less than ten bucks.
If you drink a lot of red wine you can’t ignore one problem, the stain teeth. If you get stopped for speeding keep your mouth shut, accept the ticket and get on the way, if the officer asks you where are you going just mutter the word “home” only. If he asks you where are you coming from mutter the words “my mother’s” If you say something like the hospital or a party you only encouraging the officer to ask more questions unlit you will open your mouth wide enough to get the question “Have you been drinking?”
I know wine doesn’t really get you drunk it only gets you talking louder, faster and brings out your knowledge of other languages. But an officer of the law doesn’t have patience or time to listen to your story of why your friends insistent on opening another case of cabernet.
If one thing has changed over the years is the wine names and packaging, and one day someone came out with wine in a box, aged probably overnight and package in the same line as your orange juice.
And what about the names? The names used to be sophisticated like Cuveé La Tour or Chateau St. Michelle, Having a glass of wine for dinner was an enjoyment, proper glassware was always at the table and then someone changed the rules and the names, I’m surprised to be invited for dinner at a friends house and the wine glasses can be any kind of glass regardless of the choice of wine.
Now I see why wine drove me over the edge to rum, some Fat Bastard and a Sassy Bitch full of Frog’s Piss and Cat’s Pee was served at my table when I complain to the waiter about the choice of wine he asked me about the Big Ass Cab, and Naked on Roller Skates, now, I have known Cabrina for several years and I have seen her naked and didn’t think her ass was that big, but never mind, what about the wine? How about a Menage a Trois and Therapy he said, Rum and Coke I said you are not my type.
