Planning to get out of the house has one problem, what masks I’m going to wear and do I have enough masks to wear with all my clothes
Fashionable masks will become the norm this year, do I wear blue, red, or pink. it’s a dilemma most women will start to face in the coming weeks, men will just put a sock over their face and call it even.
i can already see the fashionistas thinking about their mask choice, it’s no longer plain colors, I expect to see many choices, rainbow, polka-dots, stripes, high cut, low cut, cover one ear, cover both ears, or the most popular, the zipper one, you can unzip to talk and if your husband is the one wearing the zipper-one you can tell him to zip it and mean it.
I know there is a shortage of masks, I can tell because my doctor is wearing painter’s masks, his nurse has a bandana over her mouth and his secretary, the beautiful blond got a message from the doctor that today they all needed to wear a mask so she showed up with the mask of Zorro.
I have been wearing a buff, I’m not sure when the buff became popular and not sure the word is even in the Oxford English dictionary. Is it going to protect me from the virus? probably not but I look cool.
Hanging on the kitchen too long
Yesterday I saw a new inovation, a mask with a clasp on the back, that is a new one, you have the straps over the ears but you also have a strap through the back of the neck with a clasp.
I love the mask, I can go incognito all day long, if most of the time I don’t want to be recognized, now I can walk around without any worries, especially if I’m in happy hour and don’t want my wife to find me if she is looking for me. However, it has created a little problem, I have to carry ten different masks plus one, the plus one I use when I get home, so she thinks that is the one I wear all the time the other ten when I’m out at the bars, with my friends or getting in trouble somewhere.
I have been thinking a lot about these masks and wanted to come with my own creations, I noticed some people with foggy glasses because the respiration, my advice, hold your breath. Since we are trying to avoid someone breathing their virus into us, I’m going to connect a battery-operated fan into my mask so it’s blowing all the time any potential viruses coming my way. I’m going to create a mask with a digital sign, as I press a button the light will flash “You ‘re in my space poker face” Now if the person is someone I would like in my space then I press another button and the sign will flash “Covid-tested would love to get molested”
it will be the fashion of this year, if you have not found your personalize mask yet, just wait, it will be like t-shirts with printed words, try these ones I came up with, “anyone caught in here checks my tonsils” or “get closer and let me check your virus” but the one I would like is “Get closer I want to read your lips”
GET CLOSER I WANT TO READ YOUR LIPSIS THAT A BIG NOSE OR YOU ARE HAPPY TO SEE ME
Stay-at-home order has forced many people to change the way they travel and how to dress. So here are some observations and recommendations to make your travels trouble-free.
Planning a trip on these uncertain times requires a lot of thinking, research and good tools to make sure your trip doesn’t come to a sudden halt if you happened to run into your wife more than a dozen times in the morning.
I recommend your plan your trip starting on Monday as it’s considered the first day of the workweek or in this case the day all the politicians come back alive. Not knowing exactly if your wife will be traveling with you or nor, preferably not, you need to get up early, like sunrise, to make the most of the day.
If you are planning to be underway by 7 am, remember that with the distancing of 6 feet between people there will be no need to go too far, the lines will come to you.
Monday morning is show day, take a nice shower, you need to wear your three-piece suit and a tie, make sure you are not wearing an outdated tie like 6 inches wide and white socks. It is important to be presentable for any unplanned office or school meeting. If you haven’t download the Zoom application to your phone yet, this is the time to do so, you will be expected to be a pro at it when you receive a link from your boss asking you to get connected. If you expect payment while you are connected, don’t, Uncle Sam already promised you a check.
Should you connect through your phone or the computer? Try the computer on Monday and the phone on Friday, you will see what I mean later.
Start your day well-rested and dress to kill, literally, your boss will think you have the first loss in the family, maybe instead of getting a 2-hour conference call it only lasts 30 minutes. If you have done your homework over the weekend it should be apparent that following breakfast you need to travel to your home of Parliament office to expect a call from your boss. At some point, your boss will send you that expected link for you to connect through Zoom for a live conference. It should be around ten o’clock, around the time that everyone in the country gets up these days.
You should expect to be at that conference for 30 minutes then you can continue on your travels for the day. Get rid of your 3 piece suit and put your pajama shirt back on.
It’s time to pack for the week, so here is a list of items you are going to need as you get going.
Seven pajamas, one for each day
One dress shirt, suit, and tie for the daily video-conference call with the office, no need to wear pants, just your pajama shirt, no one will see them
A pair of slippers to travel from the bedroom to the kitchen
Your grooming kid, toothbrush and paste and a hairbrush, there is no need for deodorant or perfume, you are no going to meet anyone.
My Monday 2 pm
Tuesday is the day of accomplishments, you need to take a short shower and travel to the garage to get some tools to fix the water leak in the kitchen. With spring weather in the air, it’s probably a beautiful day outside, you should stroll across the house and sightsee the botanical garden in your backyard, the leak can wait until later since it’s only noon.
Tuesday afternoon, I keep washing my hands but I’m forgetting the face
Wednesday or hump day, no need to dress for the day, your boss is probably not getting up before noon. This is a good day to travel to the second floor, don’t forget your camera and take your time going up the stairs, the landscape is magnificent, you should enjoy the wall that lines up the stairway on the right and the view of the living room on your left.
On the second floor, you should get an excellent panoramic of your neighbors, you should spend an hour in one of the front bedrooms, if you are an aficionado of bird watching, you will be thrill to know that people-watching is just as exciting, sit on a comfortable chair and look at the window, the street below you from the house in the corner to your friends across the street will be totally empty, you will not see a soul for hours, just like bird watching, very exciting.
If you’re still awake after an hour, you should try one of the back bedrooms, the quickest way to get there is the Slipper-pass, they are a good buy and give you access to all the sights in the house including the Pots and Pans gallery, the Garage Museum, The Closet Institute, The Porch National Park, The Toys Memorial, and especially an entrance to the Bed Simulator. Transfers with the Slipper-pass are also free which you can utilize to go outside the house and visit the Hall of Junk Mail.
This is how I celebrate on Wednesday
Thursday is a lazy day, your boss probably forgot to do a daily call, by now he is not getting up before noon, no need to take a shower or comb your hair if you feel adventurous travel to the bathroom, its the number 2 destination in the world after a trip to the supermarché aisle of TP, just make sure you have purchased your TP tickets in advance they sell very fast.
I buy my tickets for the season
Since the day is almost gone you may want to pretend you are going to fix the leak in the Death kitchen Valley, but I know time is limited and you still have not seen the Attic Tower and the Laundry Cathedral, you may want to start with the Cathedral first as it will take the rest of the day.
To get the most out of your trip to the Laundry Cathedral make sure you gather all the suitcases from the family, you will have to go thru customs, with all the restrictions today you will need to take all the clothes and pass them thru and X-ray machine, the WasherX and before you leave you will need to pass thru the DryerX.
Your next destination should be the Attic Tower, from the Laundry Cathedral to the Attic Tower is going to take you some time as you will need to get to the living Palace first then transfer to the Metrostair and from there you will have to climb the rest of the way, keep in mind that the altitude may affect you so wear your mask, you will be climbing almost 6 feet.
I understand you must cross Death Kitchen Valley several times a day but you must be careful not to get sick from pizza heat exhaustion or the candy virus, I had the misfortune to catch some bug for spending too much time there and this is the result.
This is what I looked on Monday
This is what I looked on Friday.
Today is probably a good day to try your pants just to make sure they still fit.
Friday, last day of the week, a perfect day to travel barefoot in your pajamas, no need to take a shower, by now your wife is probably spending must of the time in the Attic Tower so you can lounge on the sofa to watch your favorite Netflix show, Tiger King meets Pablo Escobar.
If you need to connect with your office, use the phone not the computer, you only want them to see your face, partially
My Office on Friday
Your travels don’t need to end on Friday, but exercise should be part of your routine, the Bed Simulator can give you a true cardio workout which is hard to beat, but doesn’t replace a good marathon run. Head to the Botanical Garden in your backyard, milestone marks can be placed between the gardenias and the Tulips. After your two minute marathon, you can spend the rest of the day traveling away from your wife and kids, no point in showering or shaving today, pajama bottoms are ok, tops are optional, no one will do a video-conference on a Friday morning.
Working out on Thursday
Since your wife has been Home-school by your kids in the Attic, no reason for you to go back there anymore, you may want to visit the Dining Hall, you will see some masterpieces like the Water Leak by Claude Bonet, The Weeping Wife by Paolo Picasson, The Goliath of Michael Angelo, The Starry Day by Vincent Van and Go and the unforgettable Two Sister and a Brother (On the terrace) by Pedro-Augusto Renoir.
If you happened to run into your kids during your travels you may want to take the time to visit the Boys N Toys wing, it will bring you back to your childhood with games like Super Mario, Space Invaders, Pokémon, Pac-Man and the Wizard pinball machine.
You may have the inclination to complete your travels by Friday but you won’t be able to do it, your wife will not be in home-schooling so you will have to travel with the whole family over the weekend, it means babysitting and home cooking. Let your culinary abilities shine, try boil eggs on chocolate sauce, burnt toast and Red Bull for breakfast. For lunch you may try undercooked spaghetti with a touch of melted chewing gum, sprinkle gummy bears and sautee on chocolate cake, Monster drink will be better than a glass of wine for your kids, they will love their meals and it will keep your wife occupy the rest of the weekend while you sleep. They call this diet the ADHD, I believe it means Add Donuts Hard candy and Do it four times a day.
Being in quarantine for days is like being in the dog house with the whole family and the dog. And who is complaining? Our dog “Café”
The first sign that something was not normal for Café is the day that instead of getting up at 6 in the morning to feed him we were still in bed by 7
Café was very happy, by 9 in the morning the only thing that left the house was the sun shining thru the bedroom window while we continue to sleep thru the snooze button on the alarm clock.
On the 5th day of our Convalescent stay due to the COVID-19 I caught Café on several occasions talking to the neighbor’s dog, something he never did while we were home in the past.
How are you feeling with all those people in the house? Café asked the neighbor dog.
If I didn’t have any face wrinkles before now I’m full of them, they are constantly squeezing my face.
I know what you mean said Café, I used to like it when they came home and rub my belly, now they think they have to rub my belly all the time.
Have your sleeping arrangements changed?
Changed? I’m only allowed to sleep 8 hours a day , and that is at night, I’m not allowed to sleep between 8 am and 11 pm and as soon as I try to go to sleep I hear the words “Café where are you!”
So what do you do all-day?
I’m getting fat for once, they spend more time in the kitchen than anywhere else in the house and they think I need to get a treat each time they gain a pound, is like they don’t want to get obese on their own and I have to pay the price, if I don’t follow them into the kitchen they think something is wrong and they start calling my name, I used to eat twice a day now I eat all day.
Café? Where are you…. come inside, Did you potty?
Now I have to potty when they think I need to potty, I got to go I’ll talk to you later. Let me wag my tail so they think I went to the bathroom.
It has been 15 days since we started the Stay at Home ordinance, we used to jump out of bed the moment the alarm sounded, now we get up when café decides he is hungry and we need to get up.
We enjoy being able to spend time with Café
They do, but now I have to watch the computer like a human as if I was getting emails
Hi buddy, I haven’t seen you for a couple of days
I know, Look at this picture, now is a haircut weekly
Café, what happened here?
Now I have to make my own bed
So buddy, how are things in your house?
Don’t ask, it’s like living with three lunatics, nobody wants to get up before 8 am and I get punished because I pee in the hallway, in the past they let me out by 7 and 6 pm, but now even 6 pm comes around too late, they forget what time it’s
I used to spend a lot of time on this couch while my parents were gone, now I’m not allowed to jump on it.
You are telling me, I used to start the morning on the living room couch and spend the afternoon in the family room couch, now I spend most of my time upside down on my mother’s arms, I’m 70, you would think they know I’m old.
Café where are you, it’s time to take a bath, honey get café in the shower.
You want me to take a shower? I don’t have to work today or tomorrow
Café may not need a shower but you do
This is my second shower this week, I used to love playing with the water hose but now its torture, you get a little wet and they want to give me a bath
Did you hear about the tiger in the Bronx Zoo? Apparently it contracted Covid 19 so now they think I have to wear a mask but I’m not allowed to go anywhere past the back yard
This is how I like to sleep, but they keep waking me up to get in their bed
And they expect me to eat with a spoon now
I’m tired, this needs to stop, if they are not talking to me they are talking to Alexa and Siri, I’m tired of watching Netflix and the local news. GET BACK TO WORK! All I want is to play with my balls.
It’s very clear that what a woman says and what she means are two total and opposite things.
What a man says it’s as clear and precise as the meaning of every word, when he says I call you tomorrow, he means tomorrow. How difficult is that to understand? If a woman says I call you tomorrow it means may be may be not.
Usually, in a relationship there is a lot of misunderstandings, a man tells his partner he has to work late and the woman hears, “I’m going out for happy hour with my friends and won’t be-in for dinner” What the man really said was, I have some issues at work and my boss is not very happy, I better work a little bit late today.
If a man tells his wife he is going out with his co-workers for a cup of coffee and won’t be-in for dinner, it means he is going out with his co-workers after work to discuss some issues with the production of the day, but when he gets home the first question without a kiss is… Where have you been? His immediate response is, I went out with Paul, John, and Meredith to discuss the production numbers for the da…..before he finishes that sentence she says, who is Meredith?
A man can’t think fast enough, Meredith happens to be the production supervisor who had to shut down production for three hours and he needs a good explanation for his boss in the morning, however, his wife continues talking;….. and since when you go out for drinks with that woman?
Now, if in fact, a man is going out with another woman for lunch who happens to be his boss, he will come home and tell his wife he had lunch with his boss – Period
The moment he mentions that Meredith happens to be his boss, the conversation will turn into an explanation as to why he had to go out with Meredith, not for lunch, just out of the office with her. the man will say my boss took me out for lunch meaning it’s common for a boss to take the employees out for lunch, but the woman will interpret those words as if something is going on between the man and the boss.
Where have you been? My wife asks sometimes,……At the same bar you find me anytime I am out drinking with my friends., you know? The Classic Cafe.
I happened to be a creature of habit, you can find me in the same bar over and over and no matter how many times I told my wife you know where to find me, the same place, the same bar, what I meant to say was, honey, I’m at the Classic cafe, same bar I go every week to have a drink with some friends. Did I say the same bar? I meant the same bar.
But it doesn’t matter what a man says, regardless of what he means, and he means what he says, the reality is…..Whatever a man says it only means what the woman thinks it means.
Is not a mystery to every man that what a woman says and what she means are completely different things. While to a woman what she says and she means is as clear as box of M&Ms.
So let’s start with basics; she says, I left my phone in the counter and is not there anymore.
What you are thinking is, she left the phone somewhere else and she thinks she left it on the counter.
what she means is, why you took my phone and put it somewhere where I can’t find it. For your peace of mind you better find her phone.
Her phone is probably under the M&Ms
And that is what you hear before work, fortunately, you don’t have to deal with those issues for hours unless she works with you and that can be a real mess. Imagine if your wife is your boss, you might as well turn in your resignation, each time she asks for a report you are going to have to guess if she is asking for the payroll or a recipe for dinner.
Is not uncommon for a man to say honey I’m going out with my friends to celebrate some new accomplishment like winning a beer-drinking contest, of course she is not going to say, no, she would say; just don’t be late, I know how you are around your friends.
Do you think what she meant was, have a good time and be home by midnight? Not…siri, what she really meant to say is; Do you really have to go out with your friends today? You promise you were going to fix the leak on the sink and instead you are going to get plastered with your friends while I stay home by myself, you better call your friends and tell them you can’t go out.
This is how you feel after her words
I have been trying to figure out my girlfriends and now my wife for years but I have not succeeded, there are days when my wife puts-on a blouse while holding another one in her hand and then she ask me if she looks OK or if it’s better to put the other blouse on, if I say I like the one she has on she changes to the other one, why did she asked in the first place? Maybe she was talking to herself and I just happened to be there.
I’m fine……
How many times have you heard that? When a woman says I’m fine she means I’m pissed, and you better wait in the kitchen and do the dishes while she thinks when she is going to tell you why she is not fine.
Nothing is wrong.
Boy, you better hide, the only thing that is not wrong is you thinking that everything is fine. Better start washing dishes.
This is what is going to happen when you get back from a party with your friends
There are times when what a woman says is what she means. For example when she says I just want to be friends.
That is when a guy gets really confused, we know that what a woman says is never what she means so when she says I just want to be friends must mean, kiss me now before I change my mind and when you do that and get slapped in the face, you get more confused.
Why did she go out on a date with me in the first place?
What a woman says and what she means can only be understand by other woman. I heard the other day a friend say to another, “I told my husband the other day that I was going to be a little late from work and when I got home he was talking on the phone, I was so mad.” The other woman responded, “I know what you mean, I told my husband the other day to turn the oven by 5 pm and when I got home there was nothing in the oven” I interrupted both woman and asked them what exactly did the husbands did wrong, in the first place one told the husband she was coming home late and on the other she told the husband just to turn the oven on, What did they do wrong?
Without hesitation, both women in simultaneous choir responded
Have you looked inside your wife’s, girlfriend’s, sister’s, mother’s or any female purse lately?
Can’t find your multi-tool or your portable phone charger? Maybe you should ask your wife. What does a woman carry in her purse that has to be the size of a suitcase? I decided I was going to peek inside some of the purses of a few friends to see what I could find.
A few purses in the closet
First thing I found is a closet full of bags, medium, large and extra-large, I noticed that every time she goes out, she has to switch purse, so you would think that each time she notices that there is something in her purse that doesn’t belong there she would take it out but I’m finding out that is not always the case.
I can see carrying deodorant in your purse, but I put deodorant in the morning, and it tells me is good for 24 hours, why carry one? Does she think no one will notice it because it’s a secret?
The Secret to success is in your purse
I stopped a lady with a big bag and asked her to pull out something from her purse that didn’t belong there, as you can see. she pulled out a multi-tool; have you use that lately? I asked. What is it she replied; put it in your husband’s tool box and don’t tell him you found it in your purse I said.
Multi-tool
What should you carry in your purse or bag? well, I pulled everything out of my pockets to compare, you need your car keys, credit cards, money, your cell phone, a handkerchief, (not really but is good if you cry a lot) and… I don’t have anything else.
This is what came out of my daughter’s purse
But is not only purses woman carry, I noticed that sometimes a purse is not enough sometimes they even carry a backpack as well or a Colombian bag I can understand carrying a knife, but before you get that pocket knife out of your purse to protect yourself the thief is going to be long gone shopping with your credit cards.
If you do manage to get this machete out remember that thieves do show up to a knife fight with a gun.
What’s with the face mask, some people are already panicking for the Coronavirus
Here is the antidote
After a lot of observations, I decided I’m going to put together the perfect purse, items you need to carry in your purse should have some added value for you and the thieves, here is my list,
A wallet with fake Credit cards, the ones that already come inside the wallet.
Instead of dollars, put Colombian pesos, any thief will think they hit the jackpot when they see a $1000 bill, only worth about 30 cents
A first-generation cell phone big enough to be found in a hurry when your mother-in-law calls or you need to call the police, any thief taking your phone wouldn’t know how to unlock it.
Your medicine should look like Peanut Butter M&M’s if someone steals your purse they are going to overdose with your medication.
Finally, you should have a card like this, make sure it has your Ex’s address instead of yours.
This is a dilemma for the females at 35, no boyfriend and no prospects, males don’t want to admit they have another problem at 35.
My cousin just turned 35, she has been battling a horrible disease for the last twenty-four months, divorce. Now that she has been in remission for several months, she has been looking forward to doing what she loves, Dating on the Side. This is the reason she contracted the disease in the first place, but fortunately the new vaccine worked, and she can start living a normal life.
Dating on the Side is a sport that requires a lot of skills, good skills are developed in the teenage years and usually only done as an amateur sport until marriage, then, most players don’t pick it up unless they get contracted with the divorce disease, and then they make it a life commitment and become pro players. Even as pro players, Dating on the Side has many challenges, age is important, if you are under the age of 30 your odds are better as many of your friends still single and hovering in singles bars, however, if you are over 30 and reaching the 35 mark, you are going to have to practice, practice, practice.
Let’s narrow down some of the skills required at the 35-year mark. First and most important, you are going to need to purchase the uniform, as any other sport, without the proper clothing you are not going to be able to join any team. The advantage here is that DOTS (Dating on the Side) sport has unique uniforms and none two should be alike, avoid purchasing your uniform in known stores like Walmart, Target and specially Marshalls. Your uniform needs to be in the size 8 or under, any uniform above 8 is going to require specialized training for you. Don’t get fool when your friends tell you how good you look; they are probably married.
Any specialized training will be discussed in another blog, here we are going to concentrate on those who managed to fit in anything smaller than size 8. Now that you have the uniform you need to find your team, and finding your team will not be easy, your regular friends are married and those that also contracted the disease like you, are not probably in the size 8 and under, if you catch the disease because of DOTS during your marriage don’t expect those connections crawling back looking for you, they are crawling alright, but while you were battling the disease they found a size 4.
Your friends are telling you to go out, you are thinking, go out where.
Your friends tell you to look at work, you tell yourself everyone at work is over 50.
Your friends tell you to meet some people at church and you remember it was for Jesus you are where you are. Jesus García has not been seen after your ex found him in your house.
If you do have the right uniform and the time to go out, scout the hormones at work and try to find Jesus at church again you will be ahead of the game, however, if there is no luck on any of these places the problem is, you packed your husband too late. DOTS may have been the reason you have a new uniform but turning single at 35 is only going to get you a grandpa who is half blind and deaf.
Men at 35 believe they are the cream of the crop, if they happen to become single at 35, they automatically start looking for anything that walks between 18 and 25, however, they failed to purchase a uniform, they believe they will score no matter that they are wearing the same shorts they have-on for the last 5 days combined with a t-shirt that says “Women belong in the kitchen” The only thing these men are going to score is a pay dancer in Cancun.
Deaf and blind, those specimens that crawl out of McDonald’s at 9 am are looking for you. They are already retired and any female under the age 40 is a prime catch; nice and young, well dress, a career woman that is not going to drain his social security check. You are 35 with a nice uniform looking for love and he is looking for love with a nice uniform. He will call you honey, sweetie and lovely, and you keep calling him pops. You are looking for a nice 35 to 40-year-old with a sense of humor, good looking, with a nice white-collar job, preferable a lawyer who can appreciate a nice sophisticate woman who managed to fit into a size 8.
Today is Friday, you convinced your best friend daughter to go out to this new singles bar that just open up and everyone is talking about, Across the bar there are three 30 something good looking guys staring at the dance floor while you are hoping they stare at you. thirty minutes later and no prospects, a tall handsome gentleman leans over your table while he murmurs the words, would you like to dance? your eyes sparkle in disbelief, your smile reaches from cheek to cheek and while you adjust your blouse your hear the words, yes I would as your friend’s daughter stands to go to the dance floor.
Left alone at the table your mind starts to wonder, what’s wrong with me? This gentleman rather rock the cradle than meet someone closer to his age that can hold a conversation about politics? Instead of talking about drinking and bar hoping on school nights he could be learning about my interest in knitting and the great Christmas stocking I made for my nieces. Ten dances later, your head is pounding from all the knock knock on the floor, you are tired, you already had two drinks and your friend Catherine still pounding the dance floor, finally you call her on the side and tell her it’s time to go, she gives you a big smile while holding Peter’s hand and she replied, you go ahead I’ll take an Uber. You say goodbye a little disappointed, it’s almost ten o’clock.
Three months later with no boyfriend and no prospects you wonder if there are any men out there for you, at this point you move on to plan B, Match.com. First thing you do, you lie about your age, you post a photo of yourself when you were twenty and you put under interest: Traveling the world, Sipping wine under the fireplace, going to concerts and watching sports. Under the Man you are looking for: Thirty-five to forty, good sense of humor, single, no drugs, good job, loves children.
For months and twenty dates later, you change your profile. Looking for someone who can appreciate me for who I’m:
Hobbies : Knitting
Interest: Going to little league
Looking for: A man who can treat me like a lady
A week later you are out
on a date having a great time, your date suggested going to the park with the
kids.
Beautiful kids he shouts, he is adorable, he is a she you answer, sorry honey, no problem pops.
Me levanto por la mañana, me ducho, me visto y tiro mis calcetines sucios en el cesto de ropa sucia. Una vez a la semana mi esposa lava la ropa sucia, la mete en el secador y la devuelve al armario.
Esta mañana me voy a poner uno de mis calcetines favoritos y solo puedo encontrar uno. Ahora, me pregunto, ¿qué tan difícil es sacar la ropa del cesto y ponerla en la lavadora? Tener en cuenta que solo hay dos personas en esta casa. Estoy seguro de que es un trabajo muy simple. Entonces, ¿qué tan difícil es mover la ropa de la lavadora a la secadora sin perder los calcetines?
Decidí que iba a encontrar todo el calcetín perdido de una vez por todas, sé que ustedes también están esperando saber a dónde van. Primero, voy a comenzar con lo básico, seguir el rastro del calcetín, después de que mi esposa recogió la ropa del cesto, comencé a mirar detrás del cesto, no encontré nada, solo una cucaracha muerta, un manual de una máquina y el cargador de mi celular perdido por el que tuve que comprar uno nuevo por cuarenta dólares en una tienda de la mall o mejor dicho, el almacén de la estafa. Como no encontré nada, pasé a la lavadora, ¿había un compartimento secreto en la máquina que no conocía? ¿Que no leí en el manual que realmente no leí cuando instalé la máquina?
Miré dentro, afuera, detrás y debajo de la lavadora con la esperanza de encontrar algunos calcetines, por un momento había esperanza, encontré debajo de la máquina unos panties tan grandes que creo que pertenecen a la abuela … espera … .la abuela pesaba solo 40 kg y nunca había estado en esta casa, mejor no digo nada, podría terminar tratando de explicar a quien le pertenecen.
Estudio la lavadora por un momento, vierte agua y luego drena el agua a través de estos pequeños agujeros, ¿es posible que los calcetines se vacíen a través de esos agujeros? Después de todo, cuando pones tu ropa en la máquina, llena la máquina, pero cuando estás listo para sacarla, solo llenan la máquina, uhmm …Puede que necesite leer el manual.
Decidí pasar a la secadora, miré por todas partes y encontré esta enorme manguera que iba de la secadora a la pared y al al patio exterior, ¡ajá! Saqué la manguera y busqué adentro para ver si podía encontrar algunos calcetines, no había nada allí, así que salí al patio al exosto de la manguera y adivinen qué, había un calcetín mojado sentado cerca de esa salida, grité ¡aleluya! mi esposa me escucha y corre afuera para ver cuál es la conmoción seguida por Skipper nuestro perro.
Sé adónde van los calcetines, dije emocionado, mientras Skipper me miraba sin saber lo que estaba pasando; ¿de qué estás hablando, preguntó mi esposa, ¡los calcetines! … ¡Me enteré a dónde van los calcetines! … Me miró con sospecha, ¿eso es lo que has estado haciendo las últimas dos horas en lugar de limpiar el jardín?
Me detengo por un momento mientras Skipper despegó y comenzó a cavar otro hoyo en el jardín, ¿puedes evitar que cave todos esos agujeros? ¡Skipper! … detén eso, grité, caminé hacia él mientras él corría en dirección opuesta, justo a mis pies había cavado un hoyo de profundidad y allí encontré,…..adivinen qué … no mi calcetín perdido, otro par de panties.
Mi esposa se entró en la casa mientras yo cubría el agujero con los pies.
Encontré en las últimas dos horas dos pares de panties que no estaba dispuesto a tratar de explicar. Decidí concentrarme en el jardín y olvidar los calcetines faltantes, el jardín estaba lleno de lugares donde Skipper había estado cavando agujeros, simplemente arrastro mis pies en todos los lugares para no molestar demasiado los huecos y luego vi a la Sra. Martínez mirando por encima de la cerca, hola doña Elvira, cómo está hoy, no recibí respuesta.
Odio a esa vecina gorda que siempre está espiando y no quiere a nuestro querido perro.
Mi maestro de anatomía me dijo que nuestro cuerpo está compuesto de 60% de agua, eso es difícil de creer o si no estaría caminando como un Fetuccini.
Cada vez
que bebo algo quince minutos después tengo que ir al baño. No me gusta el agua,
de hecho, es probable que no me vea beber agua a menos que estemos en un
desierto y nos encontremos con el último oasis a cientos de kilómetros,
entonces puede que le eche un poco de agua a mi cantina de whisky y a
emborracharnos se Dijo.
El hecho de que tengamos que orinar después de beber líquidos me hace cuestionar la teoría de que estamos compuestos principalmente de agua. No entiendo, en primer lugar, soy un bebedor de Coca-Cola y todos me dicen que eso no es bueno para mí y que debería beber agua, y como no bebo agua, debería orinar solo Coca-Cola, pero cuando voy al baño no sale color oscuro, sale claro, así que me imagino que mi cuerpo retiene la Coca-Cola y elimina el agua.
Estoy orinando casi tanto como bebo, y si bebo cerveza orino más de lo que bebo, ya sabe lo que dicen cuando bebe cerveza, una vez que abre la llave no puede dejar de ir al baño, y eso es muy cierto, bebo tres cervezas y orino cuatro. Ya que peso alrededor de 80 kilos, hice algunos cálculos y descubrí que mi cuerpo contiene alrededor de 42 litros de agua.
CALCULO DE AGUA CORPORAL
ALTURA……………………………………………… 1.75 m
PESO………………………………………………………82 kg
SEXO …………………………………. En otros tiempos
CONTENIDO AGUA CORPORAL………42 litros
PORCENTAJE DE PESO CORPORAL……53%
Entonces, una botella de cerveza contiene 0.355 litros, en año nuevo bebí alrededor de 20 cervezas, o 7.1 litros, me tomaría alrededor de 6 fiestas de año nuevo drenar mi cuerpo de líquidos o 7 días si fuera un estudiante de primer año de universidad. Estos son hechos aterradores, pero ahora tiene mucho sentido.
A medida
que el año nuevo iba y venía, algunos de mis amigos estaban más borrachos que
otros, la fila para ir al baño era interminable y, mientras jugábamos con
fuegos artificiales en las calles, noté que muchos amigos se saltaban la línea
del baño y optaban por rociar los arbustos de los vecinos. Nuestra amiga Claudia
apenas podía ponerse de pie y Juan el vecino seguía insistiendo en jugar otra
ronda de un juego con cerveza. A las 2 am del año nuevo, Claudia estaba sentada
en la acera y todos le decían que tomara más agua.
¡Feliz año nuevo! todavía se podía escuchar a la gente gritar en las calles, Claudia había terminado de beber aproximadamente 3 litros de agua mientras seguía haciendo fila para ir al baño, no estaba mejorando a pesar de toda el agua, su segundo idioma o falta de el , se convirtió en su habla principal, ya caminaba como un espagueti y sabía que más pronto que tarde estaría horizontal en el suelo.
Es un hecho, a medida que drenamos más agua en nuestro cuerpo, más caminamos como un fetuccini y tarde o temprano sin agua nos desmoronamos y terminamos en posición horizontal. Claudia es un excelente ejemplo. Horas después nos recuperamos un poco, el contenido de agua está en sus niveles más bajos, alrededor del 30%, nuestros ojos apenas pueden enfocar, cada manija de la puerta y cada pared se convierten en muletas, el primer idioma comienza a reaparecer, pero con un vocabulario limitado, por lo general, solo unas pocas palabras como “No puedo recordar”, “Dónde están mis zapatos”, “Quién eres”, “¿Puedo tomar un poco de agua?”
Lo que pasa con 40% contenido de agua
Si logra pasar su primer año universitario, comenzará a manejar mejor sus hábitos de bebida, primero, será un mejor apostador en juegos de cerveza, por lo tanto, su vida aumenta a medida que gana más juegos, segundo, no sale de parranda siete días a la semana y eso le da la oportunidad de celebrar más años nuevos, y en tercer lugar, a medida que envejece, el contenido de agua aumenta, y puede aguantar la orina durante períodos más largos hasta que un día ya no pueda aguantar más, usted drena todo su cuerpo, comienza a caminar como un fideo y tarde o temprano vuelve a la posición horizontal en su día final.
