Dear sir, we have review your application for the position of In House Child Retention Specialist and would like to schedule an interview Monday at 9 am. The interview will be conducted by the Zoom application, you will receive by email the day before the interview the meeting ID and password. Please submit a recent photograph with a child not older than 5 learning by the computer, on the subject line please write INTERVIEW, MOM WANTS OUT OF THE HOUSE.
I woke up at 7 this morning but I didn’t get out of bed until 9, just before this pandemic I would have been on my way to work, but now I don’t even have to drive to the unemployment office.
I’m one of the lucky ones, I was unemployed, hired at the start of the pandemics, and laid off six months later, what it means? back on vacation for another six months. not that I want to be on vacation but that is what it takes to get another job, but im ready, interviews are on Zoom now, I only have to dress up from the waste up, have my cheat cheat on ther desk where the interviewer can’t see and give it my best.
I read the news this morning and they say unemployment is down to 8 percent, of course, it’s COVID! started 6 months ago which means most people already ran out of unemployment benefits and since they can’t collect anymore the rate goes down.
Honey, I have an interview next Monday, can you get my shirt ready? The interview is at 9 so I’m going to have to take a shower, I need to get in the bathroom before you that morning.
No problem baby, you don’t even know at what time I even get up or even leave the house I hope you can get up before 10 for that interview.
Those are the exchange words with my wife days before the interview, I’m just happy I have an interview, I understand 1500 people applied for the job, and it’s understandable, you don’t want your kids in the house anymore so you rather go and look after other kids somewhere else. Here is an excerpt of the position.
Takem ykids Inc.
Looking for House Child Retention Specialist, we currently have several openings for male and female positions, sign up bonus and long term contract available.
You will be responsible for the day-to-day child development including bathroom breaks, meal preparation, games participation, play stimulation, for the kids as well, and naps requests and denials.
Complete knowledge of windows and doors, specially doggy doors which can lead to child not clocking out during extended breaks.
In order to prepare me for this interview, I have gathered several cheat cheat yellow Post-it that I’m hanging around the computer screen where my interviewer doesn’t see them. I also placed my computer desk in the middle of the room and paid my Summa Cum Laude big brother to stand behind the computer next to a chalkboard to write keywords based on the interview questions. I also promised my 4 year old some candy after the interview if he interrupts me during the interview by sitting on my lap and saying the words, “daddy I finished my homework, can I go and play?”
On this difficult times of unemployment and people looking for work it is important that you prepare yourself correctly for every interview that comes your way especially if they are online, so doing your homework is going to get you a lot farther ahead than anybody else who just simply shows up at the interview with the camera facing downward while wearing pajamas or wearing nothing at all. Do your homework get you post-it ready. get your Summa Cum Laude brother Ready get your kids line up to show up on Q and prey the interviewer doesn’t get disconnected.
Stay-at-home order has forced many people to change the way they travel and how to dress. So here are some observations and recommendations to make your travels trouble-free.
Planning a trip on these uncertain times requires a lot of thinking, research and good tools to make sure your trip doesn’t come to a sudden halt if you happened to run into your wife more than a dozen times in the morning.
I recommend your plan your trip starting on Monday as it’s considered the first day of the workweek or in this case the day all the politicians come back alive. Not knowing exactly if your wife will be traveling with you or nor, preferably not, you need to get up early, like sunrise, to make the most of the day.
If you are planning to be underway by 7 am, remember that with the distancing of 6 feet between people there will be no need to go too far, the lines will come to you.
Monday morning is show day, take a nice shower, you need to wear your three-piece suit and a tie, make sure you are not wearing an outdated tie like 6 inches wide and white socks. It is important to be presentable for any unplanned office or school meeting. If you haven’t download the Zoom application to your phone yet, this is the time to do so, you will be expected to be a pro at it when you receive a link from your boss asking you to get connected. If you expect payment while you are connected, don’t, Uncle Sam already promised you a check.
Should you connect through your phone or the computer? Try the computer on Monday and the phone on Friday, you will see what I mean later.
Start your day well-rested and dress to kill, literally, your boss will think you have the first loss in the family, maybe instead of getting a 2-hour conference call it only lasts 30 minutes. If you have done your homework over the weekend it should be apparent that following breakfast you need to travel to your home of Parliament office to expect a call from your boss. At some point, your boss will send you that expected link for you to connect through Zoom for a live conference. It should be around ten o’clock, around the time that everyone in the country gets up these days.
You should expect to be at that conference for 30 minutes then you can continue on your travels for the day. Get rid of your 3 piece suit and put your pajama shirt back on.
It’s time to pack for the week, so here is a list of items you are going to need as you get going.
Seven pajamas, one for each day
One dress shirt, suit, and tie for the daily video-conference call with the office, no need to wear pants, just your pajama shirt, no one will see them
A pair of slippers to travel from the bedroom to the kitchen
Your grooming kid, toothbrush and paste and a hairbrush, there is no need for deodorant or perfume, you are no going to meet anyone.
My Monday 2 pm
Tuesday is the day of accomplishments, you need to take a short shower and travel to the garage to get some tools to fix the water leak in the kitchen. With spring weather in the air, it’s probably a beautiful day outside, you should stroll across the house and sightsee the botanical garden in your backyard, the leak can wait until later since it’s only noon.
Tuesday afternoon, I keep washing my hands but I’m forgetting the face
Wednesday or hump day, no need to dress for the day, your boss is probably not getting up before noon. This is a good day to travel to the second floor, don’t forget your camera and take your time going up the stairs, the landscape is magnificent, you should enjoy the wall that lines up the stairway on the right and the view of the living room on your left.
On the second floor, you should get an excellent panoramic of your neighbors, you should spend an hour in one of the front bedrooms, if you are an aficionado of bird watching, you will be thrill to know that people-watching is just as exciting, sit on a comfortable chair and look at the window, the street below you from the house in the corner to your friends across the street will be totally empty, you will not see a soul for hours, just like bird watching, very exciting.
If you’re still awake after an hour, you should try one of the back bedrooms, the quickest way to get there is the Slipper-pass, they are a good buy and give you access to all the sights in the house including the Pots and Pans gallery, the Garage Museum, The Closet Institute, The Porch National Park, The Toys Memorial, and especially an entrance to the Bed Simulator. Transfers with the Slipper-pass are also free which you can utilize to go outside the house and visit the Hall of Junk Mail.
This is how I celebrate on Wednesday
Thursday is a lazy day, your boss probably forgot to do a daily call, by now he is not getting up before noon, no need to take a shower or comb your hair if you feel adventurous travel to the bathroom, its the number 2 destination in the world after a trip to the supermarché aisle of TP, just make sure you have purchased your TP tickets in advance they sell very fast.
I buy my tickets for the season
Since the day is almost gone you may want to pretend you are going to fix the leak in the Death kitchen Valley, but I know time is limited and you still have not seen the Attic Tower and the Laundry Cathedral, you may want to start with the Cathedral first as it will take the rest of the day.
To get the most out of your trip to the Laundry Cathedral make sure you gather all the suitcases from the family, you will have to go thru customs, with all the restrictions today you will need to take all the clothes and pass them thru and X-ray machine, the WasherX and before you leave you will need to pass thru the DryerX.
Your next destination should be the Attic Tower, from the Laundry Cathedral to the Attic Tower is going to take you some time as you will need to get to the living Palace first then transfer to the Metrostair and from there you will have to climb the rest of the way, keep in mind that the altitude may affect you so wear your mask, you will be climbing almost 6 feet.
I understand you must cross Death Kitchen Valley several times a day but you must be careful not to get sick from pizza heat exhaustion or the candy virus, I had the misfortune to catch some bug for spending too much time there and this is the result.
This is what I looked on Monday
This is what I looked on Friday.
Today is probably a good day to try your pants just to make sure they still fit.
Friday, last day of the week, a perfect day to travel barefoot in your pajamas, no need to take a shower, by now your wife is probably spending must of the time in the Attic Tower so you can lounge on the sofa to watch your favorite Netflix show, Tiger King meets Pablo Escobar.
If you need to connect with your office, use the phone not the computer, you only want them to see your face, partially
My Office on Friday
Your travels don’t need to end on Friday, but exercise should be part of your routine, the Bed Simulator can give you a true cardio workout which is hard to beat, but doesn’t replace a good marathon run. Head to the Botanical Garden in your backyard, milestone marks can be placed between the gardenias and the Tulips. After your two minute marathon, you can spend the rest of the day traveling away from your wife and kids, no point in showering or shaving today, pajama bottoms are ok, tops are optional, no one will do a video-conference on a Friday morning.
Working out on Thursday
Since your wife has been Home-school by your kids in the Attic, no reason for you to go back there anymore, you may want to visit the Dining Hall, you will see some masterpieces like the Water Leak by Claude Bonet, The Weeping Wife by Paolo Picasson, The Goliath of Michael Angelo, The Starry Day by Vincent Van and Go and the unforgettable Two Sister and a Brother (On the terrace) by Pedro-Augusto Renoir.
If you happened to run into your kids during your travels you may want to take the time to visit the Boys N Toys wing, it will bring you back to your childhood with games like Super Mario, Space Invaders, Pokémon, Pac-Man and the Wizard pinball machine.
You may have the inclination to complete your travels by Friday but you won’t be able to do it, your wife will not be in home-schooling so you will have to travel with the whole family over the weekend, it means babysitting and home cooking. Let your culinary abilities shine, try boil eggs on chocolate sauce, burnt toast and Red Bull for breakfast. For lunch you may try undercooked spaghetti with a touch of melted chewing gum, sprinkle gummy bears and sautee on chocolate cake, Monster drink will be better than a glass of wine for your kids, they will love their meals and it will keep your wife occupy the rest of the weekend while you sleep. They call this diet the ADHD, I believe it means Add Donuts Hard candy and Do it four times a day.
